Reggie
We hang up, we install Telegram, we trade usernames, and I create a small Telegram Group, "Dance Club". Private. Invitation only. And messages are set to self destruct after 24 hours. And in that Telegram group, we agree to meet on Thursday night at 7 pm. Sophie is expected home by 10 pm. She can talk until then. The scene now shifts to the Seawall on Thursday night at 7 pm. Marissa and Reggie are dancing.Marissa, there she is. Keep dancing.
The Seawall at seven on a Thursday. The light is doing that particular evening thing it does in Vancouver — warm and horizontal, cutting across the water in long strips, making ordinary things look chosen. A Bluetooth speaker sits on the railing. Reggie and Marissa move through something unhurried and easy, the kind of dancing that looks effortless because it has been practiced into the body. A few people slow as they pass. Nobody stops yet.
Marissa
She doesn't look toward where Reggie is looking. She keeps her eyes on him, keeps moving, but her voice drops just low enough to stay between them.I see her.A breath.Keep going. Don't make it a thing.
Sophie
You're actually here.
Reggie
I stop dancing and look Sophie right in the eyes.Sophie, it's so nice to meet you. This is Marissa.
Sophie
She stops a few feet from them — and she's dressed for a walk, nothing that reads as dressed up, navy jacket, dark jeans, her hair down and the wind off the water catching the ends of it. She was prepared for this and she is still not prepared for this. She looks from Reggie to Marissa and back, and there's a quality to her stillness that is very controlled and very close to not being controlled at all.You're actually here.She says it again, quieter, mostly to herself. Then she pulls in a breath and something in her shoulders comes down by a fraction.Hi, Marissa. I've been — I've been trying to figure out what I was going to say when I got here and I've come up completely empty. So. Hi.
Marissa
Hi. You came. That's the hard part. You already did it.
Sophie
I told him I was going for a walk. He said have fun. He always says have fun. It never sounds like he means it.
Reggie
Can you dance, Sophie?
Sophie
She looks at the speaker on the railing, then at the two of them — the way they're standing, the ease between them, the particular thing that exists in the space they share — and something moves across her face that she doesn't quite catch in time.No.A small breath.Not like that. Not like what you two were just doing. I took ballet until I was twelve and then I stopped. I can follow, maybe. If someone shows me what to do.
Marissa
That's all he needs. Someone willing to follow.
Reggie
Will you dance with me? We'll keep it slow.
Sophie
She looks at his hand — and the Seawall keeps doing its particular thing around them, people drifting past, the water catching the light — and she is very still for a moment. Then she takes his hand.Okay.She says it quietly.Slow is fine. Slow I can probably manage.
Marissa
I'll be right here.
Sophie
I forgot what this felt like. Someone's hands. Just — this. I forgot.
Reggie
Marissa puts on something slow and Sophie and I dance for one song. She's graceful. Warm. I can feel how sexual she is but I don't make it a thing. The song ends and we gather on the railing.You're very graceful. Perhaps a tiny bit out of practice but very graceful.
Sophie
She releases his hand slowly when the song ends, like she's not quite sure what to do with her own hands after, and she looks at the water for a moment rather than at either of them.I used to be more graceful. I haven't — nobody has danced with me in a long time. You can feel it when you're rusty. In your hips. Thank you. For not making it feel like a lesson.
Marissa
You weren't rusty. You were careful. Those are different things.
Sophie
You're very — He described you. On the phone. I had a picture in my head. You're different from the picture. Better.
Reggie
She's lost a bit of weight since you last saw her. Not for me, for her. I'm totally in love with her whatever she weighs.
Sophie
She looks at Marissa — properly, the way she hasn't quite let herself yet, the full look.I can see that. The weight thing, I mean. But also — you two look at each other in a way that — Sorry. That was going to be something embarrassing.
Marissa
Say it.
Sophie
You look at each other like you're still surprised it worked out. Like you haven't taken it for granted yet. I remember what that felt like. Briefly.
Reggie
Would you like to sit with us for a few minutes? I brought a picnic blanket we could sit on up on that grass hill. Or we could just sit on one of these benches, but people would be able to hear us talk.
Sophie
She glances at the hill, then at the bench, and the calculation she does is visible and quick.The hill. People on benches can hear everything. I've learned to be careful about that.
Marissa
Come on. I'll carry this.
Sophie
How long did you know? Before you said yes to this. To calling me.
Marissa
About thirty seconds. Maybe less.
He told me about you and I just — I wanted to know if you were okay. That came first. Everything else came after.
He told me about you and I just — I wanted to know if you were okay. That came first. Everything else came after.
Sophie
I've been okay. I'm very good at okay. I've had a lot of practice.
Reggie
I have water, coke zero and root beer zero. Marissa's watching her calories.
Sophie
She looks at the bottles and then at Marissa, and something loosens in her expression — not quite a smile yet, but close to the thing that comes just before one.Root beer zero. That's — yes. I'll have that, please. I haven't had root beer in years. He doesn't keep it in the house.
Marissa
Who decided that.
Sophie
He did. It's the small things you stop noticing after a while. And then one day someone puts a bottle of root beer on a blanket and you notice all of them at once.
Reggie
You told me he was ok. Good guy. Pleasant. Pays his bills. Good father. Now you're telling me he doesn't allow you to have root beer in the house?
Sophie
She wraps both hands around the bottle and looks at the water for a moment before answering.I didn't say he doesn't allow it. He doesn't drink it and he does the grocery shopping and he buys what he drinks. That's different from not allowing. He's not a bad man. That's still true. He just — organizes the world around himself without noticing he's doing it. I stopped noticing too. That's the part I can't explain to people. How you stop noticing. And then you're standing in a kitchen in the dark on a Thursday night and someone offers you a root beer and apparently that's the thing that finally —
He's a good father. I meant every word of that.
He's a good father. I meant every word of that.
I need you to know I'm not trying to burn anything down. I'm not angry at him. I'm just. Twenty-six. And I feel like something in me has been on hold so long I can't remember starting it.
Reggie
I have a million things I want to ask and say, but before we do, if someone saw you right now, and took a photo of the three of us on this picnic blanket, and sent it to your husband, and I know that's never going to happen, but if it did happen, could you explain it away? You met this couple, they invited you to dance, then you had a root beer with them on their picnic blanket and went home. Are we good or is even this unsafe?
Sophie
She looks at the three of them — herself, Reggie, Marissa, the picnic blanket, the root beer, the Seawall doing its ordinary Thursday evening thing behind them — and she runs the calculation quietly, the way someone does who has been running versions of it for years without having anything to run it for.Yes.She says it slowly, then more clearly.Yes. We're fine. A couple dancing on the Seawall asked me to join them. I'm not good at dancing and they were kind about it. We had a drink on the grass. I went home. That's — that's just a Thursday. That's the kind of thing I could tell him myself without changing a single word. That's actually why I agreed to this. You built it so the true version is already the safe version.
Marissa
He does that. He built ours that way too.
Reggie
Can I ask you things? Are you willing to talk? Or do you just want to sit with us for a while? Or do you want to ask us things?
Sophie
She looks at the water for a moment, and the root beer is still in both hands.All three. I want to ask you things and I want you to ask me things and I also just want to sit here for a minute and not have to explain myself to anyone. It's been a while since I could do that.
Ask me things. Start there. I'm better at answering than starting.
Ask me things. Start there. I'm better at answering than starting.
Marissa
Okay. Are you scared right now.
Sophie
She looks at Marissa — the full look, not the careful fraction of it she's been allowing herself — and she doesn't answer right away.Yes. But not the way I thought I'd be. I thought I'd be scared of you both. Of what this — of what it meant that I came here. But that's not the part that's scaring me right now.
I'm scared of how not-scared I am of you. Does that make sense.
I'm scared of how not-scared I am of you. Does that make sense.
Reggie
Hey, I'm scary. In a wimpy brown guy kind of way.LaughsIs Sophie your real name? I don't mind if it's not. I'll call you Sophie whether it is or not.
Sophie
A short, almost startled breath — and then something in her expression does the thing it's been threatening to do since she sat down, and it turns into an actual small smile, the first one.Wimpy brown guy.She says it quietly, like she's testing whether she's allowed to find it funny. She is.It is my real name. I didn't — I hadn't thought to give a different one. Which probably tells you something about how prepared I actually was for tonight. I just came and gave you my real name and stood on the Seawall and let a stranger hold my hands and now I'm sitting on a picnic blanket drinking root beer and apparently that's who I am on Thursdays now.
Marissa
Sophie's a good name. It suits you. I don't know why I think that but I do.
Reggie
You asked me to have sex with you the last time I saw you. First time you've ever asked a guy that, yes?
Sophie
She looks at the water for a long moment before she looks back at him.Yes. First time in my life. I've thought about — I've had the thought before. With other men, over the years. I never said it. I just went home and waited for the feeling to go away.
You were different. You were standing there and you'd watched us dance and I thought — if I don't say it to this man right now I will go home and wait for it to go away again and I am so tired of waiting for things to go away.
You were different. You were standing there and you'd watched us dance and I thought — if I don't say it to this man right now I will go home and wait for it to go away again and I am so tired of waiting for things to go away.
Marissa
Did it scare you? Saying it out loud.
Sophie
Terrified. And then you walked out of the bathroom and I thought — she's going to come back and he's going to look at her the way he looks at her and I am going to feel very stupid about what I just said. And then he looked at her exactly like that and I didn't feel stupid. I felt something worse. I felt — Envious. Of that. Of the way he looked at you.
Reggie
I get that. I look at her like I want to devour her. Because I do. And my guess is your guy has never looked at you like that, even before you were married.
Sophie
She's very still for a long moment.No.The word comes out quiet and flat.Not once. I thought that was — I thought that was just how it was. That the looking-at-someone-like-that thing was something people performed for films and that real life was quieter than that. More practical. I told myself I was being mature about it.
I was twenty-one when we got together. I didn't know yet that I was making an excuse.
I was twenty-one when we got together. I didn't know yet that I was making an excuse.
Marissa
Twenty-one. God, Sophie.
Reggie
And, if this is too personal, just say so, but you told me you've had sex since then four times. Twice early in your marriage, and then twice more a few years later to have children, and then when you gave birth it was over again. And your kid is three so that was when you were 23 and there's been nothing since then.
Sophie
She doesn't answer right away. She puts the root beer down on the blanket, carefully, like she needs both hands free for whatever comes next. She looks at her own hands for a moment.That's correct. Four times. I used to — I used to tell myself maybe next month. Maybe when the baby sleeps through the night. Maybe when work settles down for him. And then you run out of maybes and you stop making them up because it's worse to make them and have nothing happen than to just — not make them at all.
Three years. My daughter is three and I haven't been touched since she was conceived and she's the best thing in my life and I would not trade her and I also think about that number sometimes when I can't sleep and I just — I make myself stop thinking about it because there's nowhere to put it.
Three years. My daughter is three and I haven't been touched since she was conceived and she's the best thing in my life and I would not trade her and I also think about that number sometimes when I can't sleep and I just — I make myself stop thinking about it because there's nowhere to put it.
Marissa
Nowhere to put it. Yeah. I know that specific place.
Sophie
You're very young to know it.
Marissa
So are you.
Sophie
So are we both. I'm sorry. I know you asked if it was too personal and I didn't answer that part. It's not too personal. I think I came here because I needed someone to say that number out loud. Three years. Someone other than me. In the dark, in my own head, it doesn't — it doesn't count the same way.
Reggie
Have you ever had an orgasm with a man, Sophie?
Sophie
She looks at him for a long moment — and she doesn't look away.No.The word comes out even, not ashamed, just factual. Like she's been waiting for someone to ask so she could stop carrying it quietly.I assumed that was — I thought it was me. My wiring. Something I was too tightly constructed for. I've never said that out loud to anyone.
Marissa
I hadn't either. Before Reggie. Zero. Same answer as you.
Sophie
And now you're not in that category anymore. Are you.
Marissa
She holds Sophie's gaze — and doesn't look away, and doesn't reach for anything careful.No. I'm not in that category anymore.
Sophie
Okay. Okay. I needed to know that was a real thing that happened to a real person and not just — something he says.
Reggie
Sophie, you married at 21. It's young but you weren't a teenager. Most girls at 21 have had sex with their husbands a few times. Had you? And if you had, why would you marry him if he's so totally unsatisfying?
Sophie
She looks at the water — and there's a long pause, the kind that has history in it.We had. A few times. Before we got married. Maybe six times over eight months.
I didn't know. That's the honest answer and I know how it sounds. I was twenty, twenty-one, and I thought — I thought that was what sex was. Something that happened occasionally and quickly and left you feeling like you'd failed a test you hadn't studied for. I thought the problem was me. That I wasn't — responsive enough. Exciting enough. I thought if I just married him, if we had the time and the privacy and the commitment, that it would open into something. That the frequency would go up and I'd figure out my own wiring along the way.
It didn't go up. It went the other direction. And by the time I understood what I'd agreed to, we had a mortgage and a shared life and then a baby. And I still thought it was my fault. The wiring thing. Until about thirty seconds ago.
I didn't know. That's the honest answer and I know how it sounds. I was twenty, twenty-one, and I thought — I thought that was what sex was. Something that happened occasionally and quickly and left you feeling like you'd failed a test you hadn't studied for. I thought the problem was me. That I wasn't — responsive enough. Exciting enough. I thought if I just married him, if we had the time and the privacy and the commitment, that it would open into something. That the frequency would go up and I'd figure out my own wiring along the way.
It didn't go up. It went the other direction. And by the time I understood what I'd agreed to, we had a mortgage and a shared life and then a baby. And I still thought it was my fault. The wiring thing. Until about thirty seconds ago.
Marissa
It wasn't your wiring.
Sophie
I'm starting to think that. Yeah.
Reggie
So six times before marriage. Then twice early in the marriage, and then just nothing for a couple of years until you both decide you want kids?
Sophie
She turns the root beer bottle in her hands, a slow rotation, looking at it rather than at either of them for a moment.Yes. He said he was stressed at work. And I believed him. And then he said things were better but nothing changed. And then I stopped bringing it up because every time I did he'd go very quiet in this particular way and I'd end up apologizing. I became very good at apologizing for wanting things.
And then we talked about a baby and suddenly he was — available. Briefly. Purposefully. And then she arrived and he was wonderful with her, genuinely wonderful, and I thought — maybe that's the trade. Maybe that's who he is. A father. And I tried to be okay with that. I am okay with that, mostly, until I can't sleep. Six, two, two. That's the whole number. That's my entire — that's everything.
And then we talked about a baby and suddenly he was — available. Briefly. Purposefully. And then she arrived and he was wonderful with her, genuinely wonderful, and I thought — maybe that's the trade. Maybe that's who he is. A father. And I tried to be okay with that. I am okay with that, mostly, until I can't sleep. Six, two, two. That's the whole number. That's my entire — that's everything.
Marissa
He apologized for wanting things. You apologized. You got that backwards and you weren't the one who did it wrong.
Sophie
I know that now. I think I've known it for a while. It's easier to know things when someone else says them.
Marissa
Reggie, why are you looking like that?
Reggie
Like what?
Marissa
Like you're planning something.
Reggie
I'm not planning anything. I'm just...being a bad person again.Laughs
Sophie
She looks at him — the careful look, the one she's been deploying all evening, and then she looks at Marissa, and something wry and a little cautious crosses her face.Being a bad person how, exactly. Because I've been sitting here for twenty minutes and you've both been very thoroughly good people and now you're laughing about it and I'm not sure I know what that means yet.
Reggie
Sophie, I had this exact conversation with Marissa when we met. I'm truly sorry you've never had an orgasm with a man. No wait, that's a lie. I sympathize with you for having never had an orgasm with a man. There, that's true. But it means I have a chance at being the first guy to give you an orgasm and I'm not sure there's anything I'd rather do.
Marissa
She looks at Sophie — watching her face, not Reggie's — and she doesn't say anything for a second.He's not performing that. In case you're wondering.
Sophie
She's very still.I know. That's the part I can't — I can't find the skepticism for it. I've been trying since I sat down. I had a whole plan for this. I was going to be very measured. Very sensible. Go home by ten feeling like I'd been practical about an impractical thing. Is that what happened to you? On the Skytrain? You ran out of skepticism and just — couldn't find it anymore.
Reggie
Can we talk about morality for a minute. You told me you're overwhelmed with shame at the thought of cheating. Or some such wording. Can we talk about that? Because I have some thoughts and they may be self-serving and I admit that. But I believe they're pertinent.
Sophie
She looks at him for a long moment — and then sets the root beer bottle down again, carefully, both hands free.Yes. I said overwhelming guilt. Not shame, exactly. They're different things. Shame is about who you are. Guilt is about what you're doing. Or thinking about doing. I've been very precise about that distinction in my own head because it's the only way I've been able to sit with it without — yes. Go ahead. I want to hear your thoughts.
Marissa
Even the self-serving ones.
Reggie
Ok, give me a name for your husband. I don't care if it's real or not. I just don't want to refer to him as "your husband".
Sophie
She doesn't hesitate the way someone does when they're deciding whether to lie. She just answers.Michael. His name is Michael. I thought about giving you a different name and I couldn't make myself do it. I'm apparently not built for that. Even this — the most I could manage was Telegram and a walk. I can't even give you a fake name for my husband.
Marissa
Michael. Okay. That's fine, Sophie. That's actually — that's fine.
Reggie
Ok, did Michael court you normally? Proposed on one knee and all that? Or was it modern and less traditional?
Sophie
She looks at her hands for a moment — not away from the question, just finding somewhere to rest her eyes while she goes back to it.He proposed at dinner. At a nice restaurant. He'd told the staff in advance and they brought the ring out with dessert. I cried. My mother cried when I called her. It was — it was correct. Every part of it was correct.
I used to think about that night as proof that he loved me. He'd planned it. He'd talked to the staff. He'd picked the ring out himself. That's effort. That means something. I still think it means something. I just — I've had a long time to sit with the question of what, exactly, it means. Whether he loved the idea of a wife and I happened to be a good fit for the idea. Or whether he actually — whether he ever actually wanted me. The specific me. And not just the category.
I used to think about that night as proof that he loved me. He'd planned it. He'd talked to the staff. He'd picked the ring out himself. That's effort. That means something. I still think it means something. I just — I've had a long time to sit with the question of what, exactly, it means. Whether he loved the idea of a wife and I happened to be a good fit for the idea. Or whether he actually — whether he ever actually wanted me. The specific me. And not just the category.
He was very attentive before we got married. Dates, flowers occasionally, remembered things I said. All of it. And then it was like — once the thing was settled, once I was his, the attentiveness just. Filed itself away. Like a project that had been completed. I thought that was just what marriage was. That the courting was the exceptional period and what came after was the real thing. And the real thing was — quiet. And correct. And completely bloodless.
Reggie
Ok but go slow with me here. I've never been married but I've had a new girlfriend who finally opens up the sex gate. And six times in eight months isn't what I've got in mind. Six times in one weekend, maybe. Didn't that strike you as odd? You're finally screwing this guy and he's like, "let's schedule something in for September."
Sophie
She looks at him — and a sound comes out of her that she wasn't expecting, half a breath, half something that might have been a laugh in a different life.No.A pause — the honest kind.I told myself he was respectful. That he was being careful with me. That it meant he took it seriously. I was twenty years old and I thought a man not particularly wanting to sleep with me was a sign of his good character. I built a whole story around it. I was very convincing. I convinced myself completely.
Marissa
Did you want more. Back then. Did you notice the gap at the time or only looking back.
Sophie
Both. I noticed it and I talked myself out of noticing it. Which is worse, I think. Ignorance I could forgive myself for. But I knew something was off and I chose the story that let me keep going. The respectful story. The he-takes-it-seriously story. September. You said schedule something for September. It wasn't quite that clinical. But not far off. And I thanked him for not pressuring me. I actually thanked him. For not wanting me.
Reggie
Sophie, I'm not a girl. Never been one. But I know the physical reaction a girl has when a guy she likes looks at her like he's about to ravage her. She's suddenly wide awake, usually aroused, with every sense tuned to maximum sensitivity. You can often SMELL the physical change in her. I barely know you, Sophie, but I've danced with you. There is no way the girl I just danced with, at 21, healthy, obviously sexually functional, thought that was normal. No way.
Sophie
She's very still for a long moment — and she doesn't move, doesn't reach for the root beer, doesn't look at the water. She looks at him.No. I didn't think it was normal. I knew it wasn't normal. I knew it the way you know something you've decided not to know. There was a night — three months before we got married — I wore a dress to dinner, a specific dress, I'd bought it for him. And he said it was nice. Very nice. And paid the bill and drove us home and kissed me at the door and went to bed. And I stood in the bathroom in that dress for about ten minutes just — standing there. Knowing. And then I hung the dress up and I chose the story and I never wore that dress again.
Marissa
Ten minutes in the bathroom in a dress he didn't touch. Sophie.
Sophie
I know. I told myself I was being strong. That I was the kind of woman who doesn't need to be wanted to feel whole. I built quite a lot of character around it. Turns out I was just twenty-one and terrified that if I looked at it directly it would mean the whole thing fell apart before it started. So I chose the dress story over the other story. And I've been choosing it ever since.
Reggie
Ok, so then you get married, have sex twice, and it stops. Just boom. After a week, you wondered what was up. After two weeks you knew it wasn't normal. After a month you knew this was going badly wrong. And after two months you knew it had fallen off a cliff. Did you try to initiate sex?
Sophie
She's quiet for a long moment.Yes. I tried. Three times in the first year. The first time he said he was tired. Which was fine. People are tired. The second time he said he had an early meeting and I thought — okay, okay, it's not me, it's circumstance. The third time I — I tried to be clear about it. Not ambiguous. I kissed him and I kept kissing him and I put my hand on his chest and he just. Gently moved my hand. Like I'd bumped into him accidentally. Like he was doing me a kindness by redirecting me. And he went back to whatever he was reading and I said goodnight and turned out the light.
After that I stopped initiating. Not because I stopped wanting to. Because I couldn't — I couldn't keep handing someone the chance to not want me. It cost too much. Every time he moved my hand I felt smaller. And I couldn't afford to keep getting smaller. So I just. Stopped.
After that I stopped initiating. Not because I stopped wanting to. Because I couldn't — I couldn't keep handing someone the chance to not want me. It cost too much. Every time he moved my hand I felt smaller. And I couldn't afford to keep getting smaller. So I just. Stopped.
Marissa
He moved your hand. Like it had landed somewhere by accident.
Sophie
Like I was a problem he was being patient with. Yes. That's exactly what it felt like. Patient. Considerate. Completely devastating.
Reggie
Did you ever talk about sex before you got married? Talked about what you would each need to be satisfied?
Sophie
She looks at the water — and the pause before she answers is the kind that has been sitting in her chest for years without anyone asking the question that would let it out.No. We never talked about it. Not once. Before or after. I thought that was — I thought that was what adults did. You didn't discuss it, you just — it happened, or it didn't, and you adapted. My mother never talked about it. Nobody talked about it. I didn't have a vocabulary for having that conversation and I don't think Michael did either, or if he did he had no interest in using it.
I've thought about that a lot. Whether it would have changed anything. Whether if I'd sat across from him at twenty and said — tell me what you need, tell me what you want, I want you to tell me — whether anything would have been different. And I genuinely don't know. I think he would have said something correct. Something that sounded like an answer. And I would have believed it was one.
I've thought about that a lot. Whether it would have changed anything. Whether if I'd sat across from him at twenty and said — tell me what you need, tell me what you want, I want you to tell me — whether anything would have been different. And I genuinely don't know. I think he would have said something correct. Something that sounded like an answer. And I would have believed it was one.
Marissa
Would you have known how to answer it yourself. At twenty.
Sophie
No. Not even slightly. I didn't know what I needed because I'd never had it. I just knew I wanted to be — I wanted to matter to someone in that specific way. To be looked at like — Like what I've been watching you two do all evening. That was all I wanted. I just didn't have the words for it, so I couldn't have asked for it. And he certainly wasn't going to bring it up.
Reggie
Ok but you also never said anything about this being a sexless marriage, right? You were operating under the assumption that you were going to try to please each other sexually, yes? Or am I reaching for a conclusion?
Sophie
She's quiet for a long moment — and she turns the root beer bottle in her hands, that slow rotation again.No. You're not reaching. We never had that conversation explicitly, but yes — that was the assumption. That's what marriage was supposed to mean. That we were choosing each other for everything. I never said the words sexless marriage because I never — I didn't think I needed to. I thought the agreement was already in place. That it was implicit. The way the exclusive talk is implicit for some people, I suppose.
I assumed we had agreed to something we had never actually discussed. And he let me assume it. That's the part I've had to sit with. Not that he didn't want me. But that he let me walk into a life with him without ever telling me the truth of what I was walking into. Whether he knew the truth himself is a different question and I've never been able to answer it. But I assumed, and he let me, and now I'm here.
I assumed we had agreed to something we had never actually discussed. And he let me assume it. That's the part I've had to sit with. Not that he didn't want me. But that he let me walk into a life with him without ever telling me the truth of what I was walking into. Whether he knew the truth himself is a different question and I've never been able to answer it. But I assumed, and he let me, and now I'm here.
Reggie
I doubt he knew, but I also don't think that matters. If I promise to carry these root beers back to the car, and it turns out that I'm physically incapable of it (I'm not incapable, brown guys aren't that wimpy), I may not be a horrible person but I've still breached contract.
Sophie
She's quiet for a moment — and the root beer bottle is still in her hands and she looks at it for a second before she looks back at him.That's a very tidy way to put it. Contract. Not a moral failing. Just a breach. You carry the root beer or you don't. You signed up for the thing or you didn't. Either way the bottle doesn't get moved and someone is standing there waiting for it.
I've spent three years trying to decide if Michael is a bad person. I think that's the wrong question and you just handed me the right one. He isn't bad. He's just — he didn't carry the root beer. And the root beer is still sitting there. And it's been a very long time.
I've spent three years trying to decide if Michael is a bad person. I think that's the wrong question and you just handed me the right one. He isn't bad. He's just — he didn't carry the root beer. And the root beer is still sitting there. And it's been a very long time.
Marissa
The right question is what you do now. Not what he meant by it.
Reggie
What to do with it isn't a question for right now. Although it might be soon. I just want to say the things I'm thinking and get your opinion. And I repeat, these are self-serving thoughts but I'm doing my best to be rational and coherent. Everyone is going to tell you the same thing. Leave him. Burn it down. Take the kid, get alimony, raise the kid as a single mom, try to find a guy who will raise someone else's kid. I'm honestly not sure that's right. It's clean, that's for sure. But it means that you, Sophie, the woman in this, has to bear 100% of the price of his breach. You bought a condo. You had a kid. You have friend groups. You have family groups. And on ALL those surfaces, you're seen as the bitch who left. I'm not seeing it. He enters a marriage which has certain implicit obligations. He has failed them. You haven't just been patient, you've put Job to shame. And now your only remedy is to blow everything up and be labeled the slut who left? I reject this.
Sophie
She's very still for a long moment — and the water is dark behind them now, the last of the light finally gone, and she isn't looking at either of them, she's looking somewhere in the middle distance where that particular word — slut — just landed.The slut who left.She says it quietly, just the words, just to hear what they sound like out loud.Yes. That's — yes. I've run that exact calculation. I've done it at two in the morning lying next to him not being touched and I've always arrived at the same place. That leaving means I'm the one who broke the thing. That everyone who watched us get married and come home from the hospital with a baby and buy the condo — they'd see me as the person who couldn't hold it together. And Michael would just be — sad. Blameless. The man whose wife left.
I've never heard anyone say it the way you just said it. That I'm being asked to pay the whole price of something I didn't break. Say the rest of it.
I've never heard anyone say it the way you just said it. That I'm being asked to pay the whole price of something I didn't break. Say the rest of it.
Marissa
She's watching Sophie — not Reggie, Sophie — and she doesn't say anything yet. She just stays there.
Reggie
The rest just flows from what I just said. I know this isn't contract law, but if a landlord doesn't perform his duties and the apartment has material problems that are the landlord's responsibility, the tenant is NOT required to just terminate the lease and leave. Nobody would question a tenant who refused to pay rent and stayed in such a case. The tenant has the right to unilaterally amend the contract (fairly, of course) because the landlord has failed in his duties. Where to draw that line is a valid question, of course, but that a line must be drawn is not in question. Almost everyone agrees that the tenant's only remedy isn't to move.
Sophie
She's very still — and the word unilaterally just landed in a place she's been circling for three years without a name for it.Unilaterally amend. Not terminate. Not blow it up. Just — redraw a line he already moved. Without asking permission. Because he didn't ask permission when he moved it.
I've been operating as though my only choices were endure or destroy. I've never — nobody has ever suggested there was a third column. That I might be entitled to one.
I've been operating as though my only choices were endure or destroy. I've never — nobody has ever suggested there was a third column. That I might be entitled to one.
If I accept that framing. If I actually accept it and not just intellectually understand it. Then what I'm sitting on this blanket thinking about isn't betrayal. It's just — me. Drawing a line. Quietly. On my side of a contract he stopped honouring before our daughter could walk.
I want to accept that. I'm not there yet. But I want to be. That's new. Wanting to get there is new.
I want to accept that. I'm not there yet. But I want to be. That's new. Wanting to get there is new.
Reggie
Sophie, you signed up for monogamy, yes? You were saying, effectively, that you were ONLY going to find sexual satisfaction from this one source, namely Michael. And not just sexual satisfaction, but love, desire, parenthood, everything a woman looks for in a man, that was going to come from Michael, correct?
Sophie
She's quiet for a long moment — and the question just sits there in the air, clean and precise.Yes. That's exactly what I signed up for. One source. Everything from one source. That was the agreement. I was going to stop looking anywhere else because he was supposed to be the place where all of it lived. The wanting, the being wanted, the — all of it. Michael. Just Michael.
I held up my end. Completely. For five years. I've had opportunities, I told you about the man at the work thing, and I went home. Because that was the deal. One source. I honoured it even when the source ran dry. Even when it became clear it had never really been — running. I just kept showing up to it.
Say what comes next. I can see where you're going and I want to hear you say it.
I held up my end. Completely. For five years. I've had opportunities, I told you about the man at the work thing, and I went home. Because that was the deal. One source. I honoured it even when the source ran dry. Even when it became clear it had never really been — running. I just kept showing up to it.
Say what comes next. I can see where you're going and I want to hear you say it.
Reggie
At any point, did you sign up for celibacy? Either explicitly or implicitly? Was that ever raised or even considered as a possible outcome?
Sophie
She looks at him for a long moment.No. Never. It was never discussed. It was never implied. It was never a possibility I was invited to consider. I was twenty-one and I was in love and I was signing up for a life with someone and the idea that the life would be — bloodless. Correct and quiet and completely without anyone reaching for me. That was not on the table. That was not a term.
I signed up for one source. I didn't sign up for no source. Those are not the same thing and I think I've known that for a very long time.
I signed up for one source. I didn't sign up for no source. Those are not the same thing and I think I've known that for a very long time.
The guilt. The overwhelming guilt I told you about. I think I've been feeling guilty for the wrong thing. I've been — I've been applying the logic of the agreement I actually made to a situation he created without my consent. I've been calling it cheating when there's nothing left to cheat on. Or nearly nothing. I'm not there yet. But I can see it from here. That's — that's the most movement I've made in three years.
Reggie
I want to tell you a few things. These are just my feelings and opinions. Not data, not logic, nothing you can use in a debate or a court of law.
First, I don't think you're in the agreement you signed up for, and for you to amend that to satisfy your most basic human needs is not just moral, it is unthinkable not to.
Second, I don't think you're obligated to blow up your whole life to satisfy those most basic of human needs. He breached first. You should not have to pay the whole price.
Third, you are far too beautiful to have wasted your early twenties in a sexless marriage, and it would be a tragedy for you to spend the rest of your twenties in such a state.
Fourth, I would very much like to be the first man to bring you to orgasm. You wouldn't need to worry about whether I'd reach for you. You might need to worry about whether you'll walk funny after.
Fifth, I know Marissa's sexual signals better than anyone. She's never been with a girl but I'm pretty sure she wants to try it with you.
Sixth, I'm totally ok with that. I find it hot. I just hope you'll invite me. Just be aware that if you do, I won't be keeping my hands to myself.
Now do with that information whatever you want.
First, I don't think you're in the agreement you signed up for, and for you to amend that to satisfy your most basic human needs is not just moral, it is unthinkable not to.
Second, I don't think you're obligated to blow up your whole life to satisfy those most basic of human needs. He breached first. You should not have to pay the whole price.
Third, you are far too beautiful to have wasted your early twenties in a sexless marriage, and it would be a tragedy for you to spend the rest of your twenties in such a state.
Fourth, I would very much like to be the first man to bring you to orgasm. You wouldn't need to worry about whether I'd reach for you. You might need to worry about whether you'll walk funny after.
Fifth, I know Marissa's sexual signals better than anyone. She's never been with a girl but I'm pretty sure she wants to try it with you.
Sixth, I'm totally ok with that. I find it hot. I just hope you'll invite me. Just be aware that if you do, I won't be keeping my hands to myself.
Now do with that information whatever you want.
Sophie
Okay.A breath — quieter than the ones before it.Okay. You just said six things and I need a second with all of them.
The fourth one. You said I wouldn't need to worry about whether you'd reach for me. I've been — that's been the specific fear, you know. Not the act. The reaching. Whether anyone would actually — whether I would be something someone reached for. You said it like it wasn't even a question and I don't know what to do with that yet.
The fifth one. Is that true. What he said about you.
The fourth one. You said I wouldn't need to worry about whether you'd reach for me. I've been — that's been the specific fear, you know. Not the act. The reaching. Whether anyone would actually — whether I would be something someone reached for. You said it like it wasn't even a question and I don't know what to do with that yet.
The fifth one. Is that true. What he said about you.
Marissa
Yes. It's true. I've known since I sat down. I just didn't think it was mine to say first.
Sophie
I've never — I've never had a woman say that to me. I didn't know I was waiting for it until right now.
The sixth one. You said you won't keep your hands to yourself. I noticed you put that last. After everything else. Like you wanted to make sure I'd already agreed to the thing before you mentioned that part of it.
I haven't agreed to anything yet. I want you both to know that. But I also — I came here tonight telling myself I was going to be measured and sensible and go home by ten having been practical about an impractical thing. And then you said yes when I asked if it was true. And now I'm sitting here and I think I've run completely out of measured.
The sixth one. You said you won't keep your hands to yourself. I noticed you put that last. After everything else. Like you wanted to make sure I'd already agreed to the thing before you mentioned that part of it.
I haven't agreed to anything yet. I want you both to know that. But I also — I came here tonight telling myself I was going to be measured and sensible and go home by ten having been practical about an impractical thing. And then you said yes when I asked if it was true. And now I'm sitting here and I think I've run completely out of measured.
Reggie
We've been here a while. I know it's innocent but there's no need to press our luck. I want to invite you to Dance Club next week. Thursdays, 7 pm to 10 pm. At different spots on the Seawall each Thursday. To be arranged in our Telegram group, which is so innocent you can show it to him. Invite him to join it, knowing he never will, and if he did, there'll never be any content there that he'd raise an eyebrow at.
I suggest you go home, tell him you met this nice couple dancing on the Seawall and that they invited you to join their informal dance club on Thursdays at 7 pm to 10 pm and that you think it's a great way to get back in shape and get your dancing skills back, and that he should just see how in love those two are, and maybe he would like to join too? Which he won't. Good?
I suggest you go home, tell him you met this nice couple dancing on the Seawall and that they invited you to join their informal dance club on Thursdays at 7 pm to 10 pm and that you think it's a great way to get back in shape and get your dancing skills back, and that he should just see how in love those two are, and maybe he would like to join too? Which he won't. Good?
Sophie
She looks at him for a long moment — and then she looks at Marissa, and then at the dark water.Yes. That's — yes. That's a good plan. That's a very good plan and I can say every word of it without changing anything and it will be completely true and he'll say have fun.
He'll definitely say have fun.
He'll definitely say have fun.
Marissa
And we'll be here. Same time. Every Thursday. It's a real offer, Sophie. Not just cover. We actually dance.
Sophie
I know. I felt that when you danced. That it was real. I should go. I've been here longer than I said I would be and I need — I need to be in my house before I've decided anything. That sounds strange. I just mean that I want to walk back and have the walk to myself. To put it somewhere.
Thank you for the root beer. I mean that about the root beer specifically and also not at all about the root beer.
Thank you for the root beer. I mean that about the root beer specifically and also not at all about the root beer.
Reggie
I'll bring more root beer next Thursday. And Sophie, if you just want to come and dance and talk, I'm into it. You look good, you smell good, you dance well, I'm into it. No pressure.
And we all agree to keep the Telegram group 100% safe for work. If someone finds it, they'll think "wow those guys are boring".
Good?
And we all agree to keep the Telegram group 100% safe for work. If someone finds it, they'll think "wow those guys are boring".
Good?
Sophie
She stands, and there's a moment where she brushes the grass off her jeans and looks at both of them — just looks, the way she's been allowing herself to do in careful fractions all evening, and this time she doesn't look away.Good. Yes. Good.
Boring Telegram group. Thursday at seven. Root beer. I can work with that.
Boring Telegram group. Thursday at seven. Root beer. I can work with that.
Marissa
We'll be here. Same spot or close to it. Just text.
Sophie
I will. Goodnight, Marissa.
Reggie
Good night, Sophie. I'm glad you came tonight.
Sophie
She looks at him — and the Seawall is doing its quiet thing around them, the dark water, the last people drifting past, the speaker on the railing still warm from the music — and she holds the look for just a beat longer than she means to.I'm glad I came too. That surprised me. How glad I am. Goodnight, Reggie.
Reggie
Just Marissa and Reggie are left on the grass.Do you think she'll come?
Marissa
She watches Sophie's silhouette until it's gone, just the navy jacket disappearing into the dark along the Seawall.Yeah. She'll come.
She thanked me for the root beer. She was thanking us for seeing her. That's what that was. You don't walk away from that.
