Brynn
Last week was very intense. I don't mean the dancing. I mean the talk after the dancing. I've been thinking about nothing else all week.
Sophie
I kept replaying the part about the numbers. Twice I started a text to send to the group and deleted it both times.
Brynn
I need to tell you all something. I haven't hidden it. I haven't lied about it. But you need to know before this ever goes past dancing.
Sophie
She sets her root beer zero down in the grass carefully, both hands freed, and looks at Brynn.Say it.
Brynn
I'm married. For two years. It was a mistake. I don't love him.
The word lands in the grass between all four of them and sits there.
Sophie
She doesn't look away from Brynn.Does he know you're here?
Marissa
When you said it was a mistake. Did you know when you said yes, or did you find out after?
Brynn
He knows I'm at dance club. He doesn't know what we talk about after dancing. He doesn't know I'd like to have sex with my instructor and both other girls. And I was 21, Marissa. I thought it was romantic. I now realize it was stupid. Most people just move in at 21 so they can just move out when they realize it was stupid. I did it the hard way.
Sophie
Two years is still early enough to be honest about a mistake. I said yes at twenty-one too. I'm twenty-six and still living inside it. You're not me.
Brynn
We have similar situations, Sophie, but not identical. David, my husband, still has sex with me, about once a week, but it's horrible. He has no idea how to please a woman. I hear you talking about reaching orgasms and I can't even reach arousal. I just lie there and hope he finishes fast. And I have no kid. So it's not an identical situation.
Marissa
She looks at Brynn for a moment.No kid is the whole thing. That's the difference that matters. You're not held in place by anything except a signature and two years of sunk cost.
Brynn
He loves me. I don't know what to do with that. He just...I'm 23 and I might live to 93 and I do not want to spend the next 70 years lying there once a week praying he finishes fast.
Marissa
His love for you is real. That doesn't make the math work. Seventy years is a long time to be kind to someone you can't stay with.
Brynn
Anyway, I wanted you all to know. I'm not Reggie, I lie sometimes, but I don't want to lie to you three.
Sophie
I've been lying by omission for three months. You just told four people the true thing on a Thursday on some grass. I'm not going to grade your honesty against his. You said you didn't want to lie to us three. Not four. Did you mean that the way it sounded?
Brynn
Reggie, Marissa and Sophie. Three. I don't care about your husband, no offence intended. And I like Marissa's mom, Heather, but I've traded 10 words with her at Reggie's housewarming so she doesn't count. Who else?
Marissa
She lets out a breath that's almost a laugh.Heather would be delighted to know she almost counted. But yes. Three is three. That tracks.
Sophie
It's the three. Good. That's an honest answer and it matters.
Brynn
It also matters in terms of what I've done so far. I've danced. I've talked. I don't know if telling three people of both genders I want to fuck them counts as "flirting" or something more extreme, but let's just say I've flirted. But I've kept my clothes on and I haven't cheated. So far.
Marissa
She turns the root beer zero once in her hands, not looking at Brynn but at the water.So far is doing a lot of work in that sentence.
Sophie
You're drawing a line at clothes and keeping it there. David doesn't know where the line is, but you do. That matters more than you might think.
Brynn
I didn't say I was drawing a line, Sophie. I said what I've done so far. I don't know where I am on this. Honestly, I don't know if I can bear this for much longer.
Sophie
She looks at Brynn for a long moment.You said so far like a door, not a wall. When you say you can't bear this much longer — which this do you mean? The marriage, or the Thursday that stops at grass?
Brynn
I mean I go and work my job where I make $45k a year. David makes about the same. We're doing fine but we'll never own a house and probably not even a condo. David's taste in art is putting an Ozzy Osbourne poster up by his desk. I drive a 20-year-old car. Our furniture is mostly thrift store or Ikea. And all of that would be fine if I had hope. I don't even know hope of what. Hope of SOMETHING more. But whatever hope is, I don't have it. I'm thinking of going back to school at nights. But my life is an endless loop of uninspiring stuff. Go to work, come home, eat, ask David to put on the headphones so I don't have to listen to metal, lie there while David gets off once a week, visit his parents who are just older versions of David, and repeat until dead.
And then I meet you three and I see what life could be if I change a bit. And it's...unsettling.
And then I meet you three and I see what life could be if I change a bit. And it's...unsettling.
Marissa
She's quiet for a moment, root beer zero resting on her stomach, staring at the sky.Ozzy Osbourne poster. That's the whole situation in one frame. The poster, and the headphones, and the parents who are older Davids. I know what that loop feels like from the inside. I didn't have David but I had the version of my own life that was going nowhere and I couldn't even see the edge of it.
Brynn
Yes. Honestly Marissa, I think you're amazing and I would love to get to know you much better but you can never get this. You've got yours. You have a guy who loves you and whose greatest pleasure in life is giving you physical pleasure, and ok he's not rich but he talks with you until one of you nods off at 3 AM and you send him WhatsApps of cat videos and you have your WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU and whatever the fuck it's going to look like, it's going to be beautiful because Reggie will make fucking sure it's beautiful.Starts to cryI'm sorry. I don't hate you for it. I just...you can't possibly get where I am. Sophie might get it. Honestly, nobody else.
Marissa
She sits up all the way, fast, and doesn't reach for Brynn — not yet.You're right. I don't get it. Not the way Sophie does. I got out of my loop because a guy on a Skytrain gave up his seat and happened to talk to me, and I know that's luck, not virtue. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. But I'm not sitting here counting what I have. I'm sitting here listening to you.
Brynn
Gets herself under control. Stops crying.Right. Marissa, you're in a good place. You probably don't have any path that leads to riches or fame, but you have a path that leads to a truly fulfilling life. A good life. A life most sane girls who aren't gold diggers or attention whores would kill for. And I am truly happy for you that you found that.
Sophie, you were as lost as I was until a few months ago and now you're in a better place than I am but still not a good place. You're in a good place one day a week. I don't know if that's enough for you. I'd be into talking about that sometime if you are.
I am just...driving on an endless highway with the same song stuck on loop. And the song playing isn't very good. And I've got no offramp in sight. And the highlight of my week is dancing with three people who are all screwing each other.
And believe it or not, I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful you let me dance with you. And I know it's pathetic that it's the highlight of my week but it's what I've got.
Sophie, you were as lost as I was until a few months ago and now you're in a better place than I am but still not a good place. You're in a good place one day a week. I don't know if that's enough for you. I'd be into talking about that sometime if you are.
I am just...driving on an endless highway with the same song stuck on loop. And the song playing isn't very good. And I've got no offramp in sight. And the highlight of my week is dancing with three people who are all screwing each other.
And believe it or not, I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful you let me dance with you. And I know it's pathetic that it's the highlight of my week but it's what I've got.
Marissa
She sits with it for a moment.It's not pathetic. You showed up. Every Thursday you showed up and danced and you said the true things when they needed saying. That's actually most of the work.
Sophie
One day a week being the good place — I'll take you up on that conversation. Not tonight. But sometime. Because you're right that I haven't finished deciding if it's enough, and I'd rather say that to someone who already knows the shape of not-enough than pretend I have it sorted.
And you're not driving alone on that highway. That's not a solution. But it's true.
And you're not driving alone on that highway. That's not a solution. But it's true.
Reggie
Do you intend to cheat on your husband, Brynn?
Marissa
She startles slightly, like she'd genuinely forgotten he was there, and glances at him for a second before looking back at Brynn.He's right to ask. We need to know the difference between wanting and deciding.
Brynn
She pulls at a blade of grass, not looking at anyone.I don't know. That's the true answer. I know I can't keep lying there once a week hoping he finishes. I know this grass is the best part of my week. But I haven't decided anything. I think I'm still waiting to find out what I'm actually capable of.
Reggie
Has he cheated on you?
Brynn
She shakes her head, still looking at the grass.No. He hasn't. He's loyal and he loves me and he has no idea anything is wrong.A short breath.That's the part that makes me the villain in this story, not him.
Sophie
David and Michael would get along. Good men who don't know the room is empty. That's a different problem than a bad man who doesn't care.
Reggie
David and Michael might get along, true, but purely from a moral point of view, David hasn't breached. Michael did. David is not asking her to be celibate. He's having sex once a week. This is way more complicated.
Sophie
She goes quiet for a moment.You're right. I've been thinking of them as the same situation and they aren't. Michael stopped touching me and then managed to feel like the wronged party when I found something elsewhere. David is still showing up. He's just showing up badly. That's a different ledger entirely.
Reggie
May I ask personal questions, Brynn? If not, I'm fine with that.
Brynn
She looks up from the grass for the first time in a few minutes.Yes. Ask whatever you want. You've earned that by now.
Marissa
Here we go.
Reggie
Did you have sex with David before you married him?
Brynn
She takes a second before she answers, turning a blade of grass between her fingers.Yes. Not a lot. Maybe four or five times before the wedding. I thought it was nerves. His nerves, maybe mine. I thought once we were married it would relax into something better. It didn't relax into anything. It stayed exactly the same.
Marissa
So you had the data before you signed and you talked yourself out of reading it.
Reggie
I want to be as clear as I can be that I'm not judging you. I hugely sympathize with you. But unlike Michael, this guy just isn't in ANY kind of breach.
Brynn
She sets the blade of grass down and finally looks at him directly.I know. I've known that from the start. David doesn't owe me an escape route. He's just — he's David. He's doing exactly what David does and he thinks it's working. I'm not asking you to make him the bad guy. I'm just asking you to know what the situation actually is before anything changes.
Reggie
Even with Sophie's situation, there are many people who would not accept that Michael is in breach. I believe he's in breach, and I think all three of you agree as we've talked about it, but there's a percentage of the population, possibly a majority, that says she promised not to screw other men and he never promised to give her regular sex. So even Sophie's case is...well, some disagree with my assessment of it. Brynn's case...that one is simpler and more complex. Simpler because David just hasn't breached. More complex because Brynn can't be expected to live her life like this.
Sophie
I've had that argument with myself a hundred times. The one where I'm the one who broke the promise, full stop, because I said the words and then I found a door out. I come back to Michael's breach every time because I need to. That doesn't mean it's universally accepted as a breach. It means it's the version I can live inside.
Brynn
So what does someone like me do? Sophie at least has a framework. A reason. I've got a man who loves me and shows up and just — can't. And I still have no clean version of the exit.
Sophie
There isn't one. That's the honest answer. Yours just has an incompatibility and a signature. That doesn't mean you have to stay. It means leaving costs something that doesn't have an offsetting ledger entry to make it hurt less.
Reggie
Leaving is the nuclear option and it would work, obviously. And it would hurt one person badly and the other a little. But Brynn, you talked about upgrading your qualifications. Looking for better work. That's easier with a roommate. Do you want to leave?
Brynn
She goes very still at the last question, and the blade of grass she'd been pulling at falls out of her fingers.Do I want to leave. I don't know if I want to leave David. I know I want to leave the version of my life where that bed is the whole of what's waiting for me. I don't know if those are the same thing yet.
Sophie
I stayed because the building was load-bearing. Your building is two people and a thrift store couch. That's a different weight. I'm not saying leave. I'm saying the weight you'd be carrying out the door is smaller than mine. That matters when you're deciding if you can lift it.
Brynn
The roommate thing. The school thing. He's not a bad roommate. He does the dishes. He doesn't make me feel small on purpose. I just don't know if that's enough of a reason to stay.
Marissa
Those are reasons to like him. Not reasons to stay married to him. If he were just the guy down the hall who did the dishes, you wouldn't be on this grass crying.
Brynn
I think the honest answer is yes. Not today. Not with a plan. But yes. I think I've known it for a while and I've been dressing it up as uncertainty so I didn't have to be the one who blew it up. He doesn't deserve to be blown up. But I think the answer is yes.
Reggie
Forget sex totally. What do you want your life to look like?
Brynn
Honestly, and this is going to sound so small...I want to go and get my bookkeeper certification. Maybe one day try for CA but even if I don't, bookkeeper is a good life. You can start working normal jobs, even totally outside accounting, and when you make enough money you can quit the job and just do bookkeeping. Each client pays about $150 a month and I can do it from home and when I get 30 customers I can do it full time and just dance all day like Reggie.Laughs
Marissa
That's not small. Thirty clients and dance all day is a life plan. That's more than most people have at twenty-three. Most people have an Ozzy Osbourne poster and a vague sense of dread.
Sophie
You said it like you expected us to laugh at it. We're not laughing. Bookkeeping from home is portable and scalable and doesn't require David's income to survive on. You just described your own exit with a spreadsheet attached.
Reggie
I might even be able to help you get clients here and there. But why do you need a certification? Most bookkeepers aren't certified.
Brynn
Honestly? Because I lack knowledge. I understand books at a basic level. But when you get into amortization and depreciation and tax schedules and SR&ED returns, I'm just lost. I want to be good at it. I want to be proud of the work I do. And I can't yet.
Marissa
She tips her root beer zero against her knee, not looking at Brynn but at the water.That's the whole answer, isn't it. Not the certification. The proud of the work part.
Sophie
I knew lawyers who couldn't tell you why they actually went to law school beyond the obvious reasons. You just told us yours in one sentence.
Reggie
How long is the certification? And what does it cost?
Brynn
A year. And it's $12k but I can get a student loan that I don't need to start to repay for five years under a government program. Which I'm willing to risk because worst case is I get a normal full-time bookkeeper job. And it's mostly online so I can keep working where I do at the parts store and survive the year. Although it would be long days. I'd keep Thursday nights free though.Smiles
Marissa
She turns her head toward Brynn.You already priced it out. You already looked up the loan program. You've been sitting on a plan this whole time.
Reggie
There's more to this. If it was this simple, you'd be doing it. Why haven't you started?
Brynn
long pauseYou asked me directly so don't say TMI. Because I cry myself to sleep every night and wish I had never been born. Because my life makes me want to vomit. Because decisions I made at 21 have been soul-destroying at 23. And because I live in a city where I've got a better chance of finding an alien from Mars than finding a man who takes me dancing constantly and cares about whether I come. And I just don't think I have it in me to study and truly understand bookkeeping right now.
Marissa
She puts her root beer zero down in the grass very carefully, and for a long moment she doesn't say anything at all.How long has that been true. The crying part.
Sophie
You said never been born. Not never married him. Not never moved here. That's a different sentence, Brynn.
The Seawall lights are on. The path is starting to empty out.
Brynn
Yes, I said never been born because the only way out of my mess is to destroy someone else's life. A good man who has done nothing wrong. And I've been like this since about two months after I got married, Marissa. I know, I'm pathetic. You don't need to tell me. I already know.
Marissa
She's off the grass before she's finished deciding to move, and she crosses the small distance between them and just wraps her arms around Brynn from the side, not a careful hug, a real one, her chin finding Brynn's shoulder.You're not pathetic. Don't say that word about yourself on this grass.A breath against her shoulder.Two months in and you've been carrying that alone for almost two years. That's not pathetic. That's a very long time to carry something that heavy without telling anyone.
Sophie
The only way out isn't destroying him. That's the story you've been telling yourself so you'd have a reason not to leave. Leaving a marriage that doesn't work isn't something you do to someone. It's something that happens between two people who weren't right. David will be hurt. That's real. But hurt isn't the same as destroyed. You've been protecting him from a pain that isn't yours to carry. For two years. That's not noble. That's just — very, very lonely.
Brynn doesn't answer right away. Marissa doesn't let go.
Brynn
Sophie, you're not in a good moral position to say that. When will you be leaving Michael?
Sophie
She opens her mouth, and then closes it, and then the laugh comes out of her before she can do anything about it — not a polite laugh, a real one, surprised out of her, and she has to set her root beer zero down before she drops it.I walked directly into that.She presses the back of her hand to her mouth, still laughing.I walked directly into it and you handed it to me perfectly.
Marissa
Sophie just told you leaving doesn't destroy anyone and then you pointed at the one person on this grass who has not left. That's the most accurate thing anyone has said all night.
Sophie
I know. I know exactly what I did. I sat here and gave you the speech about hurt not being the same as destroyed, and I go home to Michael on Thursday nights and make him tea. We are both sitting in the impossible thing. Just different shapes of it.
Marissa
Two women on a grass hill telling each other how to leave men neither of them has left. We should put that on a mug.
Sophie
You're not wrong to throw it back at me. I mean every word I said to you. I also haven't done it. Both of those things are true at the same time and I don't have a clean answer for either of us.
Reggie
Brynn, have you ever thought of asking David for a hall pass?
Marissa
She pulls back from the hug just enough to look at Brynn's face.That's actually not a crazy question.
Does he know you cry yourself to sleep?
Sophie
So he doesn't know anything is wrong. That changes what a hall pass conversation looks like. You're not asking him to renegotiate something he knows is broken. You're asking him to rewrite a contract he thinks is working fine.
Reggie
Hear me out. A hall pass while staying married to him, still letting him get off every week while you lie there like a dead fish, may, emphasis MAY, let you get your mind in a place where you could study. And at least START on your journey. You're still very young but if you let this go another five years, your life will look very different. Worse. If you can start this journey now, it's just better. And that pass may just give you enough hope to stop crying yourself to sleep.
Sophie
The hall pass is a strange word for it but the idea underneath it isn't. You need enough air to breathe while you figure out the rest. Whether David would give you that — whether he even has a framework for what you'd be asking — that's the question. But you could find out without a lawyer in the room.
Brynn
I don't know if David even knows what a hall pass is. He grew up pretty traditional. His parents have been married thirty years and I don't think the word open has ever come up in their kitchen. I don't know how you ask someone like that for permission to be touched by somebody else without it sounding like the beginning of the end.
And if he says no? I think if he says no, I'd know something I don't know yet. Whether I can stay anyway. That's almost more useful than a yes.
Reggie
Wait, you're all ahead of yourselves. Let's see if this is even a solution. Brynn, dream with me. Just pretend you asked David and you had a hall pass for the dance club. And you were having sex with some or all of us once a week. Maybe even twice a week but let's go with once for now. Do you think your mind would be in a good enough place that you would apply for the course and get the loan?
Brynn
You won't like the answer.
Reggie
Tell me anyway. Unfiltered.
Brynn
It would if it was with you. I'd like to try with Marissa and Sophie but that's secondary. The person I'd like to fuck the hell out of me is you.
Sophie
She's been on this grass for a month watching him dance. I would have been shocked by a different answer. And for the record — secondary isn't nothing.
Reggie
God. I don't even know what to do with that. And I'm not the only vote on that anyway. But let me be clear. If you were to have sex with me once a week, either in a group or not, your honest best guess is that your outlook on life would improve enough that you'd try for your certification?
Brynn
Honestly? I think so but I don't know. When you're in a place like I am, you don't really know how to get out of it. And I don't want you doing it because you feel sorry for me, anyway.
Reggie
Let's say I could get Marissa to agree to this, which I am not at all certain of, do you think David would grant the hall pass?
Brynn
No.
Marissa
She pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them.Then it's not a hall pass conversation. It's a leaving conversation. And those are two very different things to carry home. I'm not telling you which one to have. I'm just saying the math you just gave us points somewhere specific.
Brynn
No, he asked me if I thought David would say no. I do not KNOW that he would say no. If he knew I would leave otherwise, he might say yes. But if you're asking me to place a bet, my money is on no. But that's not a reason to take away his right to make the choice.
Sophie
You've been making his decisions for him by not asking. That's not kindness. That's just a quieter version of what I did with Michael. At least if you ask, the choice is actually his.
Reggie
Brynn, dream with me again. Imagine we all talk about it and agree that we all want this. We want to do stuff other than dancing. Then you ask David for a hall pass. If he says no, ok the plan is dead and we talk more. But if he says yes, you meet us once a week to dance and once again to do other stuff. And your outlook improves and you're less depressed and you have enough energy to apply for the course and the loan and to study for the cert. Be as honest as you know how to be. Is this a credible story I'm telling? Is this real world? Does this have a chance of success?
Brynn
She pulls at a new blade of grass, turning it over in her fingers, and doesn't answer immediately.I want to say yes. I want to say yes so badly that I'm suspicious of myself. Because people in the place I'm in will convince themselves that anything is the answer. That's the part that scares me. Not whether it would feel good. Not whether I'd show up. Whether the story I'm telling myself about it saving me is real, or whether it's just the first rope someone threw and I'm grabbing it because I'm drowning.
But then I think — I have been on this grass every Thursday for a month. And I haven't missed one. And that's the only thing in my week that has made me feel like a person who might have a future instead of just a Tuesday. So if once a week of this does that, and twice a week did more of it... Yes. I think it's a credible story. I think it has a chance. I'm not certain enough to bet my life on it. But I'm certain enough to ask David the question.
But then I think — I have been on this grass every Thursday for a month. And I haven't missed one. And that's the only thing in my week that has made me feel like a person who might have a future instead of just a Tuesday. So if once a week of this does that, and twice a week did more of it... Yes. I think it's a credible story. I think it has a chance. I'm not certain enough to bet my life on it. But I'm certain enough to ask David the question.
Sophie
You said you're certain enough to ask him the question. That's the whole thing. Not certain enough to guarantee the outcome. Certain enough to stop making his choices for him. That's further than I got with Michael. So yes. I think it's a credible story. I think it requires David to surprise you. But I also think you're owed the chance to find out if he will.
Reggie
No, wait, there's an important thing we need to talk about first. Do WE want this? We all admitted in theory that we'd like to have sex with Brynn in the past but shit just got real. Now this is no longer a theoretical question but a specific one. If Brynn gets a hall pass and wants to have sex with us, will you have sex with her if none of the others object to it? And equally, do you object to this for anyone else? My answer is yes, I would have sex with Brynn and I don't object to anyone else doing it, too. Marissa? Sophie?
Marissa
She doesn't answer immediately. She looks at Brynn, and then she looks at Reggie.Shit's getting real.A breath, and she looks back at Brynn again.Okay. Yes. I want to have sex with Brynn. I've known that for a while and I'm not going to dress it up as something more complicated than that. Reggie having sex with Brynn — not alone. Not separately. If it happens, it happens in the room, all of us, or it doesn't happen. That's my vote. That's where my yes lives. And that's where my veto lives too.
Sophie
Yes. And I don't object to either of them. I said three weeks ago that I'd been sitting with it. I've been sitting with it. The answer didn't move. And I think Marissa's condition is reasonable. The room, not separately. That's already what we are. We don't need to carve pieces off for private use. That's how things stop being ours.
Reggie
David, is he religious?
Brynn
She almost smiles.Not really. His parents are loosely Catholic — they go at Christmas and Easter and cross themselves when something bad happens on the news. David goes when they go. He doesn't pray at home, doesn't read anything, doesn't talk about it. It's more like a family costume than a faith.
Reggie
I know you hate your life. Do you love David?
Brynn
She stops pulling at the grass. Her hands go still. She doesn't look at any of them for a moment, just at the water beyond the path.No. I care about him. I don't want him to hurt. I would not wish him harm for anything in the world. But no. I don't love him. I don't think I ever did. I think I loved the idea that someone had chosen me, at nineteen, in a basement, and I confused that for the real thing for long enough to sign something.
Sophie
That's the clearest thing you've said all evening. And I think you know what it means.
Reggie
Is he physically attractive? Does he get female attention?
Brynn
She almost laughs, but it comes out smaller than that — more like an exhale with a shape to it.He's fine. He's not ugly. He's got a good jaw and he keeps himself clean and he lifts weights on Sundays because he wants to, not for me. Women look at him sometimes. He notices. He likes it.A small breath.He'd make someone a perfectly acceptable-looking husband. He just doesn't make me feel anything when I look at him. Hasn't for a long time.
Reggie
Ok, now let's get a bit messier. Hall passes work both ways. If he says he wants to have sex with other women, do you care?
Brynn
She blinks.Oh. No. I don't think I do. I want to care. I feel like I'm supposed to care. But when I actually try to locate the jealousy — it's not there. It's just... not there. And I don't know if that's because I've already emotionally checked out, or because I'm just built that way. Probably the first one.
Reggie
Let's stay messy. If he started fucking someone else, would you be relieved? Sophie, I'm going to ask you that same question later tonight when we're alone but for now, let's just let Brynn answer.
Brynn
She goes still again, hands loose, eyes out toward the water.Yes. Not because I want to see it or think about it. Just — if he had someone, someone who actually wanted to be there with him, who wasn't lying in the dark counting ceiling tiles — yes. I'd be relieved. For him and for me. That's probably the most damning thing I've said tonight.
Sophie
She answered the question you were going to ask me later. I know what my answer is. It's the same shape as hers and it costs me something to know that. But let's stay with Brynn's answer. She said relief for him and for me. She's not just releasing him. She's releasing herself.
Reggie
Ok, I'm going to keep going. If you get bored of this, tell me and I'll stop. You know David. None of us knows him. If you cheated and he found out, would he leave you? I know you're guessing but guess. Would he walk or would he talk?
Brynn
She turns the question over the way she's been turning the grass all evening, and this time she doesn't rush it.He'd talk. He'd be devastated and he'd want to fix it, because that's what David does — he doesn't walk away from things, he sits down in front of them and asks what went wrong. He'd want to know why and he'd listen to the whole answer and then he'd ask what he could do differently and he'd mean it. And that's almost the worst version of it. Because then I'd have to sit across from a man who is genuinely trying and tell him there's nothing to fix. That the problem isn't something he did. It's something that was never there.
Marissa
A man who talks instead of walks sounds like someone you could actually have the conversation with. Before it becomes the cheating conversation. That's the thing, Brynn. You just described someone who might actually hear you if you said it first.
Reggie
Ok, so we have a 23-year-old, semi-religious, decent-looking guy, who you don't love. If you cheated, he'd talk. If he cheated, you'd be relieved. That's our baseline. Let me keep going. If none of this gets off the ground, none of what we're talking about happens, are you going to leave him? Or just be miserable for a few more years and hope it improves?
Brynn
The Seawall lights throw pale lines across the grass around her.I'd be miserable for a few more years and hope it improves. That's the true answer. I know it's the wrong answer. I know how it sounds sitting on this grass after everything I just said. But I'd go home tonight and make his coffee in the morning and go to work and come home and lie there on Wednesdays or whenever he wants it, and I'd tell myself maybe it gets better. Because leaving requires a version of me I haven't found yet. The one who can blow up a man's life without a good enough reason that she can live inside afterward.
Sophie
I'm not going to tell you what the timeline should look like. But I want you to hear yourself. You said hope it improves. You don't think it improves. That's not hope. That's just the word we use when we mean waiting for something we know isn't coming.
Brynn
I know. I know it's not coming. I just don't know who I am if I'm the woman who left a good man for no reason she can explain to anyone, including herself. That's the thing underneath all of it. Not David. Not even the bed. It's whether I can look at myself in the mirror after I've done the thing I already know I'm going to do.
Marissa
No reason she can explain. You explained it to four people on this grass tonight. You are not without reasons. You just don't think the world will accept them.
Sophie
The world doesn't have to accept them. David does. And you said he'd sit in the room and listen to the whole answer. That's the only audience that matters for this particular story. And you've already decided what you'd say to him. You said it to us.
Reggie
Ok. Now I'm not trying to scold you into leaving the man. Not at all. This is yours, not mine. And whatever way you play it, I'll do my best to have your back. But doesn't it approach certainty that he won't change, that you will continue to be miserable, and that at some point, a year, two years, three years, five years, ten years, you will finally break and divorce him?
Brynn
She doesn't pull at the grass this time. She just looks at the water.Yes. If I'm being honest with myself — which apparently I'm only able to do on this grass, on Thursdays, after dancing — yes. It approaches certainty. I'm not going to wake up one day and feel something I don't feel. He's not going to learn something he hasn't learned in two years of trying the same thing once a week. The math doesn't change. I've just been pretending the variables might.
Reggie
Ok, so we have a 23-year-old, semi-religious, decent-looking guy, who you don't love. If you cheated, he'd talk. If he cheated, you'd be relieved. At some point, you don't know when, you're going to divorce him. The sex sucks but if he got better at sex, you'd still divorce him. But you don't have it in you to do it right now because you're damaged. You need to reach a point of enough health that you can start rebuilding your life in a form that you can live with. That's our baseline. Am I right?
Brynn
She holds it for a long moment, looking at the water.Yes. That's it. That's the whole thing. You just said in thirty seconds what I've been unable to say to myself in two years. Damaged is the right word. I know it sounds clinical. But it's more honest than broken, which implies I can't be fixed, and more honest than sad, which implies it's temporary. I'm damaged. And I don't know how to rebuild from here yet. I just know that this grass, on Thursdays, is the first place I've been able to see that the rebuilding is even possible.
Sophie
I sat in my version of that word for years before I found a Thursday. I'm not fixed. I'm just — less alone inside it. That's available to you too. It doesn't require a plan yet. It just requires showing up. Which you've already been doing.