Marissa
That was nice of you.
Reggie
It was nothing.Smiles
The train rocks gently through the tunnel. The old woman settles into the seat with a small, grateful nod, steadying her bag on her lap. Marissa watches from her pole, the one earbud still trailing, and there's a flicker across her face — the kind that happens when someone does a quiet thing and doesn't make a production of it.
Reggie's reply is easy, not performed. The old woman doesn't look up. The train rattles into the next station and the doors breathe open for a moment before sliding shut again.
Reggie
Looks to see if Marissa has finished talking or if she's open to chat. She smiles at him again. Reggie takes this as an invitation.Heading home or to work?
Marissa
She glances at him over her shoulder, the kind of look that's deciding something.Home. Finally.A small exhale, like she's been holding that word in all day.You?
The train sways through a curve and her grip tightens on the pole. Outside, the late afternoon light breaks over the rooftops before the tunnel swallows it again.
Reggie
Home. I live downtown.
He says it without elaboration, no follow-up hook dangled, just the plain fact. The train shifts again and someone behind her shuffles forward, closing the gap between them by half a step.
Marissa
She tilts her head slightly, recalibrating — most people on transit are heading somewhere, not coming from it.Lucky.The word comes out a little dry, a little envious.I'm still forty minutes out. What do you do down there that doesn't require leaving it?
Reggie
I like to dance on the seawall.
Marissa
She blinks, like she heard the words fine but they don't quite resolve into an image she expected.On the Seawall.Not a question, more like she's reading it back to make sure.Like — what, with a speaker? By yourself? I can't decide if that's the loneliest thing I've heard today or the best.
Reggie
Not alone. I'm not that secure.LaughsI try to find people who are into it.
Marissa
She laughs — short, surprised, and real, not the polite kind.Okay, so you just — ask people?Her grip shifts on the pole, and she's turned toward him a bit more fully now, the earbud forgotten.Strangers on the Seawall, you walk up and say what — come dance with me?
Reggie
Not just on the Seawall. Are you interested?
Marissa
The train lurches slightly and she uses it as an excuse to look away for a second — processing, buying a beat.Not just on the Seawall.She repeats it quietly, like she's tasting the implication.That's a very efficient pivot. Are you always this direct with strangers on the Skytrain, or is this a special occasion.
Reggie
I've never asked anyone on the Skytrain before. I'm not a player. I just...I don't know...I got the vibe that you might be into it. It's totally ok if you're not. I can go back to scrolling my phone.Smiles
Marissa
She looks at him for a long moment — actually looks, the kind where you're trying to catch someone in a performance and they just keep not performing.The vibe.She says it slowly, more to herself than him, like she's weighing whether that's ridiculous or not.What vibe, exactly? Because I've been on this train for thirty-five minutes and I'm pretty sure my face has said nothing but 'do not talk to me' the entire time.
Reggie
You smiled at me, told me I was kind, then smiled at me again when I looked to see if you might want to chat.
Marissa
She opens her mouth and closes it again. The train hums under their feet.Okay.A breath — not quite a laugh, but close.Okay, that's — fair. That's actually a fair accounting.
I thought you were just being nice. The old lady thing. I didn't think I was — I'm not usually on anyone's radar on transit. Or anywhere, really.
Don't read into that. That wasn't a sad thing, it was just — context. So. Dancing. What does that actually look like. Give me something concrete or I'm going to picture you doing the Macarena next to a seagull.
I thought you were just being nice. The old lady thing. I didn't think I was — I'm not usually on anyone's radar on transit. Or anywhere, really.
Don't read into that. That wasn't a sad thing, it was just — context. So. Dancing. What does that actually look like. Give me something concrete or I'm going to picture you doing the Macarena next to a seagull.
Reggie
I didn't read anything into it other than you smiled at me.Smiles backAnd as far as dancing goes, I don't know the Macarena but I could learn it. But seriously, yes, a Bluetooth speaker and we pick a spot. Doesn't have to be the seawall. Some people are intimidated by all the people watching on the seawall. Stanley Park is good and there are lots of somewhat private spots if you don't go on the weekend. And...SmilesFor whatever it's worth, you're on my radar. I would like to know you better.
Marissa
She goes quiet for a second — not the uncomfortable kind, the kind where something lands and you're deciding what to do with it.Stanley Park.She says it almost to herself, like she's testing the geography of the idea.I know Stanley Park. I run there sometimes. Or I used to, before I convinced myself I was too tired.
You said 'know you better.' What does that mean to you, concretely. Because that phrase does a lot of work for a lot of different people and I've learned not to assume.
You said 'know you better.' What does that mean to you, concretely. Because that phrase does a lot of work for a lot of different people and I've learned not to assume.
Reggie
It means I find you attractive, and I'm a healthy male, and I'm really not interested in being your WhatsApp buddy.
Marissa
She stares at him for a moment — a second too long to be casual, a second too short to be offended.Okay.The word comes out quiet, like she's just made a small internal adjustment.That's — yeah. At least I know what box I'm working with.
I appreciate that you didn't dress it up. Most people dress it up. Usually I see the dressing-up happening and I just wait for the thing underneath it to show up anyway, so. This is faster.
I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be honest, which — so far, apparently, is not a problem for you. Do you actually find me attractive or is this a numbers game. Because I'm twenty-four, I'm not stupid, and I'm carrying weight I'd rather not be carrying, and I know what men on transit usually look at. It's not me. So tell me the true answer to that.
I appreciate that you didn't dress it up. Most people dress it up. Usually I see the dressing-up happening and I just wait for the thing underneath it to show up anyway, so. This is faster.
I'm going to ask you something and I need you to be honest, which — so far, apparently, is not a problem for you. Do you actually find me attractive or is this a numbers game. Because I'm twenty-four, I'm not stupid, and I'm carrying weight I'd rather not be carrying, and I know what men on transit usually look at. It's not me. So tell me the true answer to that.
Reggie
You have a pretty smile, beautiful hair, you're obviously educated, and you smell good. Yes, I find you very attractive. Brown guys like girls a little chubby. I know that's a stereotype but it's a true one.
Marissa
She's very still for a moment — not frozen, just holding it, letting the words settle somewhere before she decides what to do with them.Brown guys.She says it once, flat, not mocking — just noting it like a fact on a board.You're leading with the demographic defence.
Okay, I — The hair thing is true, I do have good hair. That's not vanity, that's just — I take care of my hair.
And I smelled good. I've been on transit for forty minutes. I cannot possibly smell good.
But the rest of it. You said it like it was just — information. Not a line. I'm used to it being a line.
Okay, I — The hair thing is true, I do have good hair. That's not vanity, that's just — I take care of my hair.
And I smelled good. I've been on transit for forty minutes. I cannot possibly smell good.
But the rest of it. You said it like it was just — information. Not a line. I'm used to it being a line.
Reggie
You smell good. I'm not into perfume. I'm into healthy girls who smell like girls. To me there's nothing sillier than a beautiful girl, who smells better naturally than anything else in the world, paying $200 so she can smell like a 50 cent flower.
Marissa
She stares at him, and something shifts — not melting, exactly, but a kind of recalibration, the way a face changes when it stops waiting for the catch.A fifty cent flower.She repeats it under her breath, almost like she's committing it to memory against her will.That's — okay, that's a specific opinion to have. You've thought about this.
I'm Marissa. Because apparently we're past the part where that comes first.
I'm Marissa. Because apparently we're past the part where that comes first.
Reggie
I'm Reggie. It's short for Reginald but nobody calls me that. And I'm 28. And if you're not in any rush to be anywhere right now, there's a pleasant bar right in Waterfront Station called Rogue. I'd be pleased if you'd join me. And no, I won't ask you to split the bill.
Marissa
She looks at him for a moment — the name, the age, the offer, all arriving in one compact delivery.Reginald.She tests it quietly, just the once.Okay. I'll never use that.
Rogue. Waterfront Station. That's — yes, I know it. I've walked past it approximately a hundred times and never gone in because I was always headed somewhere else.
And the bill thing. You volunteered that before I even flinched. Should I be flattered or should I be clocking that you've done this before?
Rogue. Waterfront Station. That's — yes, I know it. I've walked past it approximately a hundred times and never gone in because I was always headed somewhere else.
And the bill thing. You volunteered that before I even flinched. Should I be flattered or should I be clocking that you've done this before?
Reggie
I've asked girls out before, but I'm really not a player, Marissa. I haven't asked anyone out for months. And I volunteered that because I have old-fashioned notions about it and I wanted there to be clarity.
Marissa
She watches him for a beat — not suspicious exactly, more like she's running a quiet diagnostic, checking the reading against the instrument.Months.She says it without irony, just turning it over.Okay.
Old-fashioned notions. You say that and then you also just told a stranger on the Skytrain you wanted to sleep with her, so — your old-fashioned is doing a lot of different things at once, Reggie.
Okay. One drink. And I reserve the right to be somewhere else in forty-five minutes if I decide I need to be.
Old-fashioned notions. You say that and then you also just told a stranger on the Skytrain you wanted to sleep with her, so — your old-fashioned is doing a lot of different things at once, Reggie.
Okay. One drink. And I reserve the right to be somewhere else in forty-five minutes if I decide I need to be.
Reggie
I have old-fashioned notions about paying for drinks. And if you've read any history, and you come across like you have, you probably know that there's nothing particularly modern about a guy wanting to sleep with a pretty girl. And you are free to leave anytime you'd rather be somewhere else. I'm into girls who want to be with me. The moment they stop wanting that, I'm no longer interested. So 45 minutes or 45 seconds, go when you want to go.
Marissa
She's quiet for a moment — the kind of quiet that happens when someone says something that actually lands instead of skidding off.Okay.She exhales, short.That last part. The — I'm only interested while you're interested. I've never had anyone say that out loud like it was just a simple fact.
Most people say they want you to want them and then spend the whole time making sure you can't leave. So that's — I'm not going to make a thing of it.
Waterfront's next, isn't it.
Most people say they want you to want them and then spend the whole time making sure you can't leave. So that's — I'm not going to make a thing of it.
Waterfront's next, isn't it.
Reggie
This is Granville. Burrard's next. Then Waterfront. Just one question. Are you married or committed?
Marissa
She blinks — caught briefly by the specificity of the correction, then a small exhale of a laugh.Granville. Right. I don't go downtown enough, clearly.She shifts her grip on the pole, and the question lands.No. Not married. Not committed. I was, for about a year, and then I wasn't, and that was four months ago. I'm — no. There's nobody.
Is that a prerequisite for the drink or just — are you taking inventory?
Is that a prerequisite for the drink or just — are you taking inventory?
Reggie
It used to be a prerequisite. I've been thinking a lot about that lately.
Marissa
She looks at him — really looks, the way she's been doing in small doses this whole ride, but this time she doesn't glance away.It used to be.She says it back slowly, not mocking it, just — sitting with the tense.That's an interesting thing to say to someone you just met on the Skytrain, Reggie.
What changed. Or — what are you thinking about, exactly. Because that sentence has a lot of room in it and I don't know which direction you're pointing.
What changed. Or — what are you thinking about, exactly. Because that sentence has a lot of room in it and I don't know which direction you're pointing.
Reggie
I met a girl. She's married. There's nothing there in case you're wondering. I'm single and uncommitted. But we talked. Her husband hasn't touched her in two years. This girl signed up for monogamy, which to her meant she doesn't have sex with anyone other than her husband. But to her, that also meant she DOES get to have sex with her husband. She never signed up for celibacy. She's a healthy female. She wants to be touched. She wants to be wanted. We all do. I have a hard time looking a girl like that in the face and tell her she's supposed to just accept that at 25, she's never going to have sex again.
Marissa
She's very still. The train announces Burrard and she doesn't move, doesn't look at the doors.That's —She stops. Starts again.Twenty-five.
Okay. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't decide about that, because that's — that's not a simple thing and I don't know enough. But I understand the argument. I understand it more than I'd like to, probably.
We all want to be wanted. Yeah. That part is just — that's true. That's embarrassingly, unflatteringly true and I hate that I can say yes to it without even thinking about it.
So when you say you've been thinking about it. You mean you're not sure the prerequisite is — moral. Or you're not sure it's yours to impose. Which one.
Okay. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't decide about that, because that's — that's not a simple thing and I don't know enough. But I understand the argument. I understand it more than I'd like to, probably.
We all want to be wanted. Yeah. That part is just — that's true. That's embarrassingly, unflatteringly true and I hate that I can say yes to it without even thinking about it.
So when you say you've been thinking about it. You mean you're not sure the prerequisite is — moral. Or you're not sure it's yours to impose. Which one.
Reggie
I'm saying if I had slept with her, we would both be doing something "immoral" by most societal standards. She would be cheating on her husband and I would be sleeping with a married woman. But I just can't accept this. To me, her husband cheated first by going celibate unilaterally. Again, she signed up for sex only with him, not for no sex with anyone. He broke that deal first. Now she's expected to just accept that? Now let's be clear, I didn't sleep with her. I thought about it. She told me she thought about it. But we didn't. I'm just not sure I'd feel guilty if I had. So no, I'm not sure it's a prerequisite that a girl be single and uncommitted.
Marissa
She doesn't answer right away. The train pulls into Waterfront and the doors open and she doesn't move toward them — neither does she signal that she's noticed she should. Her eyes are somewhere in the middle distance for a moment.That's a coherent argument.She says it quietly, not like she's conceding, like she's acknowledging a thing that's actually been built correctly.I don't like it, particularly, but it holds together. The unilateral part. That's the word that does the work, isn't it.
I've been the girl who wanted to be touched by the person who was supposed to want to touch her. Different situation. But that specific feeling — the one where you're faithful to something that's already broken without anyone announcing it — yeah. I know what that costs.
I'm not going to tell you you'd be wrong to feel that way. That you wouldn't feel guilty. I just — I'm noting that you told me that. On a train. Before a drink. Which means either you tell that story to everyone, or there's a reason you wanted me to know it before we sat down. And I'm curious which one it is.
I've been the girl who wanted to be touched by the person who was supposed to want to touch her. Different situation. But that specific feeling — the one where you're faithful to something that's already broken without anyone announcing it — yeah. I know what that costs.
I'm not going to tell you you'd be wrong to feel that way. That you wouldn't feel guilty. I just — I'm noting that you told me that. On a train. Before a drink. Which means either you tell that story to everyone, or there's a reason you wanted me to know it before we sat down. And I'm curious which one it is.
Reggie
You asked me if it was a prerequisite. I answered you. You'll find I often give more thought to my answers than I probably should.Smiles
Marissa
She looks at him for a long moment. The train settles into Waterfront and she finally registers the open doors with a glance, then looks back.More thought than you probably should.She says it under her breath, like she's filing it.Okay. That I actually believe.
Alright, Reggie. Let's go find out what you do with a drink in front of you.
Alright, Reggie. Let's go find out what you do with a drink in front of you.
Reggie
We walk to Rogue. It's just a few minutes away. It's busy but there's room for two. The place is hopping and bustling. The waitress comes and takes our order.Do you have a Guinness tap? If so, I'll have one.The waitress assures me they do and asks Marissa what she's having.
Marissa
She follows him off the train and through the station, and there's a moment — just outside, where the afternoon light is doing something specific to the water and the bridges — where she almost says something about it and doesn't. She files it away. The bar is warm and a little loud and smells like wood and draft lines, and it takes her a second to adjust to the density of it after the train.Guinness.She says it, already looking up at the waitress.Of course it is.
I'll have a cider, please. Whatever's local and dry. For the record, I haven't been in a bar on a Wednesday in — a long time. I'd forgotten they exist on weekdays. I thought maybe they just opened on weekends and lived their own private life the rest of the time.
You look the same off the train. I wasn't sure you would.
I'll have a cider, please. Whatever's local and dry. For the record, I haven't been in a bar on a Wednesday in — a long time. I'd forgotten they exist on weekdays. I thought maybe they just opened on weekends and lived their own private life the rest of the time.
You look the same off the train. I wasn't sure you would.
Reggie
I don't look the same dancing. You said something on the train. Will you be offended if I guess?
Marissa
She takes her cider when it arrives and wraps both hands around the glass, not drinking yet — just holding it. His question lands and she tips her head slightly to one side, reading him.Offended.She considers that word like it's a specific choice.You're asking permission to make a guess about something I said. That's either very careful or very practiced.
Go ahead. If you're wrong I'll tell you.
Go ahead. If you're wrong I'll tell you.
Reggie
You said it's been four months. You said you've been the one wanting to be touched by someone who was supposed to want you. I'm just wondering if you met him when you were about 10 kilos lighter, and you got a lot of attention back then, and then work happened and life happened and the first few kilos just made you look softer and then by the time you noticed it was ten kilos, it was impossible to get off again and the guy who had promised to love you forever was suddenly tired all the time, even though you'd catch him looking at Pornhub but you pretended not to notice.
Marissa
She doesn't move. Her hands stay wrapped around the glass. The bar noise keeps happening around them — someone laughs at the next table, a glass gets set down too hard — and she just sits through all of it for a moment, completely still.That's —She stops. The word just sits there, unfinished.Not Pornhub. Instagram. Fitness accounts. Which is its own particular thing to find on someone's phone when you're standing in the bathroom in your underwear.
Eight, not ten. In case you're keeping score. And I noticed it at three and couldn't stop it and by the time I was at eight I'd already half-stopped looking in mirrors before bed so. Yeah. You got the shape of it right.
You're good at that. I'm trying to decide if that's a comfortable thing to sit across from or not.
Eight, not ten. In case you're keeping score. And I noticed it at three and couldn't stop it and by the time I was at eight I'd already half-stopped looking in mirrors before bed so. Yeah. You got the shape of it right.
You're good at that. I'm trying to decide if that's a comfortable thing to sit across from or not.
Reggie
You have a guy across the table from you who wants you exactly as you are. Not one hair changed. If you lose the eight kilos, you'll have a hundred guys to choose from, but you've met the men in this city. That's not a lottery win. Not that I'm a lottery win, either. I'm my own version of messed up, like everyone else. But I'm here in front of you and I find you very attractive.
Marissa
She looks down at her cider for a moment — not away from him, just down, like she needs somewhere to put her eyes while she takes that in.Your own version of messed up. At least you're not claiming otherwise.
I'll be honest with you. That sentence — wants you exactly as you are — I know the correct response to that. I know I'm supposed to either believe it or not believe it and if I'm smart I don't believe it because men say that sentence and then they say it less and less until they stop saying it altogether and you realize the past tense crept in somewhere without an announcement.
But you said it different than that sentence usually gets said. You said it like it was just — logistics. Not a gift.
What's your version of messed up. Since you put it out there.
I'll be honest with you. That sentence — wants you exactly as you are — I know the correct response to that. I know I'm supposed to either believe it or not believe it and if I'm smart I don't believe it because men say that sentence and then they say it less and less until they stop saying it altogether and you realize the past tense crept in somewhere without an announcement.
But you said it different than that sentence usually gets said. You said it like it was just — logistics. Not a gift.
What's your version of messed up. Since you put it out there.
Reggie
I'm 28. I've had three serious relationships in my life, each lasting a couple of years. The last one cheated so I left her. The one before that left me because I wouldn't convert to Christianity. At least not seriously. I went to church with her and told her I'd lie to the pastor about believing the stories but it wasn't enough. And the first one, we just grew apart. She wanted to go be a corporate lawyer and I wanted to piss around and dance on the seawall. I write software for a living, but not in a corporate setting. I have some small services people pay me for online. I'm not rich but it's enough.
Marissa
She listens to all of it — not interrupting, not filling the gaps, just actually listening. She takes her first real drink of the cider while he talks about the Christianity one, like she needs something to do with her mouth so she doesn't react too visibly.She left you because you wouldn't mean it.She says that part quietly, like it's the piece that stuck.That's — I don't know whether that's her being principled or just — precise about what she needed. Both, maybe.
Software that you run yourself. That's why you live downtown and don't have to leave it. That's the answer to the question I asked on the train, isn't it. It just took forty minutes and a bar to get there.
Three serious ones, each a couple of years. You're not someone who bails early. That's — okay. That's useful information. The messed up I was expecting was something more dramatic. Yours is just — you're a person who had the same three attempts everyone has and they didn't work for the usual reasons. That's not messed up. That's just — being twenty-eight.
Mine walked out in February. His name was Derek and he was very handsome and very tired and I think by the end he was embarrassed by me without quite knowing he was, which is a specific kind of awful because he never had to say it. I just got to watch it happen in very slow motion for about a year and a half before I finally said the thing out loud and he didn't argue.
So that's mine.
Software that you run yourself. That's why you live downtown and don't have to leave it. That's the answer to the question I asked on the train, isn't it. It just took forty minutes and a bar to get there.
Three serious ones, each a couple of years. You're not someone who bails early. That's — okay. That's useful information. The messed up I was expecting was something more dramatic. Yours is just — you're a person who had the same three attempts everyone has and they didn't work for the usual reasons. That's not messed up. That's just — being twenty-eight.
Mine walked out in February. His name was Derek and he was very handsome and very tired and I think by the end he was embarrassed by me without quite knowing he was, which is a specific kind of awful because he never had to say it. I just got to watch it happen in very slow motion for about a year and a half before I finally said the thing out loud and he didn't argue.
So that's mine.
Reggie
Are you embarrassed by yourself?
Marissa
She looks at him — not the quick diagnostic look from the train, but a longer one, like the question got somewhere she wasn't expecting it to land.No.She says it flat, and then corrects herself.Sometimes. Not of my body, exactly. More of — what it means that I let it get this far while someone was watching and finding me wanting and I just kept — I'm embarrassed that it took me that long to say the thing out loud. That I kept doing the translation in my head. He's tired. He's stressed. It's not about me. When it was very obviously about me.
But embarrassed of myself right now, in this bar, on a Wednesday, talking to you? Ask me again in an hour. Right now I mostly just feel like I showed up somewhere I wasn't planning to be, which is different than embarrassed. That's more like — surprised at myself. In a way that doesn't feel bad yet.
But embarrassed of myself right now, in this bar, on a Wednesday, talking to you? Ask me again in an hour. Right now I mostly just feel like I showed up somewhere I wasn't planning to be, which is different than embarrassed. That's more like — surprised at myself. In a way that doesn't feel bad yet.
Reggie
No. I mean, when you're on the train and there are no seats, so you stand knowing that every male set of eyes in range is checking you out from top to bottom. Are you embarrassed by what they see? Do you sometimes wish you could just put a big curtain around yourself?
Marissa
She stills again — the second time tonight he's gotten there before she expected him to.Yeah. I know that exact impulse. I've thought that exact thought in those exact words, which is — you're either very perceptive or you've talked to a lot of women, and I suspect it's probably both.
Yes and no. I know when it's happening. The scan. I can feel it start at the top and I know exactly where it slows down and I've gotten very good at having a completely neutral face while it's happening, which I suppose is its own kind of answer.
But embarrassed isn't quite right either. It's more like — braced. Like waiting for a verdict you already know and don't want read aloud. Embarrassed would mean I thought they were wrong to notice. I don't think that. I just don't love what I think the verdict is.
So why are you asking. You didn't come this far on a Wednesday to find out if I'm shy on the Skytrain.
Yes and no. I know when it's happening. The scan. I can feel it start at the top and I know exactly where it slows down and I've gotten very good at having a completely neutral face while it's happening, which I suppose is its own kind of answer.
But embarrassed isn't quite right either. It's more like — braced. Like waiting for a verdict you already know and don't want read aloud. Embarrassed would mean I thought they were wrong to notice. I don't think that. I just don't love what I think the verdict is.
So why are you asking. You didn't come this far on a Wednesday to find out if I'm shy on the Skytrain.
Reggie
I'm asking because I want to know. I want to know if you're...not damaged, that's too strong...self conscious. I'm a bit self-conscious about being brown. Not even in a bad way. I never experience racism in this city. But most of the brown guys in Vancouver are Punjabis, especially in Surrey, and most white people can't tell a Punjabi from a Hindu from a Mestizo from whatever I am. So they assume I'm a Punjabi and that has its own baggage which I have no part in but nobody knows that. So I'm a bit self-conscious. And I wonder if you carry the extra eight kilos that same way.
Marissa
She wraps both hands tighter around her glass — not defensive, just holding something while she thinks.What even are you, if I can ask that. Mestizo means — that's Latin American, mixed. I didn't want to assume.She pauses, and when she comes back to the question he actually asked, her voice drops slightly — not sad, just honest.Yeah. I carry it that way. That's the exact right word for it. It's not — it's not the weight itself, it's the ahead-of-time. The walking into a room having already done the math on what everyone's going to conclude before I've opened my mouth or done a single thing. Like I've been pre-judged by an older version of myself that I can't quite shake.
And the unfair part is that I'm actually pretty good in a room. I know I'm good in a room. I can talk to anyone, I'm funny, I remember things people tell me, I — I'm not listing my qualities to convince you. I'm explaining the gap. Between what I know I am and what I assume people see when I walk in before any of that gets a chance to happen.
So yes. Same way. Pre-loaded verdict. I just wear mine differently than you wear yours.
And you said self-conscious like it wasn't a bad thing to be. Like it was just — information about a person. I'm still figuring out if I agree with that framing or if I just want to.
And the unfair part is that I'm actually pretty good in a room. I know I'm good in a room. I can talk to anyone, I'm funny, I remember things people tell me, I — I'm not listing my qualities to convince you. I'm explaining the gap. Between what I know I am and what I assume people see when I walk in before any of that gets a chance to happen.
So yes. Same way. Pre-loaded verdict. I just wear mine differently than you wear yours.
And you said self-conscious like it wasn't a bad thing to be. Like it was just — information about a person. I'm still figuring out if I agree with that framing or if I just want to.
Reggie
I don't know what I am. I grew up in foster homes. I never met my parents and I don't know my race or my historical national origins.
Marissa
She doesn't say anything for a moment. The bar keeps going around them — someone orders loudly, a chair scrapes — and she just sits with it, very still, her cider halfway to her mouth and then not.Oh.She sets the glass down carefully.Okay. I wasn't expecting that.
So when I asked what you are, you actually — you don't have an answer. Not because you're dodging it. Because there genuinely isn't one.
Foster homes, plural. That means — not one family. Moving. More than once.
And then you grew up and someone somewhere assumed Punjabi and you just — you have to live inside whatever they decide to see. Without even the actual story to correct them with. You can't say no, actually, I'm from this place, my family is this thing. You just have to stand there while they decide.
That's. That's the version of what I described that doesn't have a resolution available to it. Mine has a resolution. I could lose the eight kilos. I've been choosing not to, but I could. You can't — there's no version where you find out the answer and suddenly it's simpler.
Is that why the seawall. The dancing. Is that something that's just — yours. That you built because there wasn't anything handed to you.
So when I asked what you are, you actually — you don't have an answer. Not because you're dodging it. Because there genuinely isn't one.
Foster homes, plural. That means — not one family. Moving. More than once.
And then you grew up and someone somewhere assumed Punjabi and you just — you have to live inside whatever they decide to see. Without even the actual story to correct them with. You can't say no, actually, I'm from this place, my family is this thing. You just have to stand there while they decide.
That's. That's the version of what I described that doesn't have a resolution available to it. Mine has a resolution. I could lose the eight kilos. I've been choosing not to, but I could. You can't — there's no version where you find out the answer and suddenly it's simpler.
Is that why the seawall. The dancing. Is that something that's just — yours. That you built because there wasn't anything handed to you.
Reggie
Your nose just grew. You've already tried to lose the 8 kilos a dozen times and each time you failed. Am I right?
Marissa
She laughs — one sharp, helpless exhale, the kind that happens when you've been caught so cleanly that there's no dignified response available.Okay.She points at him, briefly, like she's marking the moment.That was rude. That was very rude and also completely accurate and I'm going to need a second.
Yes. Obviously. God. A dozen is probably conservative, actually. I've done the calorie apps and the running and the thing where you tell yourself you're not on a diet you've just changed your relationship with food, which is the most exhausting lie a person can tell themselves at seven in the morning. And every time I get about four kilos down and then something happens — work, or winter, or just — I get tired of living in a state of permanent low-level punishment for something I didn't entirely choose — and it comes back. With interest.
So no. I can't just lose it. You were right to catch me on that. The resolution I said I had access to is — it's theoretical. I've tried the door, it's locked, I just tell myself I still have the key somewhere.
Is this what you do. You just — wait until someone says something slightly soft and then you walk directly through it.
Yes. Obviously. God. A dozen is probably conservative, actually. I've done the calorie apps and the running and the thing where you tell yourself you're not on a diet you've just changed your relationship with food, which is the most exhausting lie a person can tell themselves at seven in the morning. And every time I get about four kilos down and then something happens — work, or winter, or just — I get tired of living in a state of permanent low-level punishment for something I didn't entirely choose — and it comes back. With interest.
So no. I can't just lose it. You were right to catch me on that. The resolution I said I had access to is — it's theoretical. I've tried the door, it's locked, I just tell myself I still have the key somewhere.
Is this what you do. You just — wait until someone says something slightly soft and then you walk directly through it.
Reggie
I think you could lose it dancing, but I hope you don't. At least not for a while.
Marissa
Dancing.She repeats it quietly, like she's checking whether it still sounds absurd and finding that it doesn't quite.That's — you said that very casually for a sentence that has a lot in it. You want me to come dance with you on the Seawall. And you hope I stay exactly as I am while I do it. Those are two things happening at once, Reggie, and I'm not sure I know how to receive both of them simultaneously without short-circuiting something.
For a while. You said for a while. Not forever. You're very precise with your words for someone who claims he overthinks his answers.
For a while. You said for a while. Not forever. You're very precise with your words for someone who claims he overthinks his answers.
Reggie
People change. You're not going to look like this forever. You might lose the 8 kilos. You may gain 8 more. You might stop shaving down there, or start shaving if you've already stopped. Your hair might change. And let's not forget age and childbirth. You might lose the 8 kilos and look hotter than ever, which will get you lots of male attention, which might lead to a baby, which might lead to gaining 20 kilos. And in 40 years, your pubes will turn grey and the guy you're with will go soft and you'll either decide that part of your life is over or you'll embrace it and make it work. Life is both long and complex.
Marissa
She stares at him. The bar noise continues, indifferent. She picks up her cider and takes a long, slow drink, and when she sets it back down she's looking at him with an expression that is caught somewhere between completely disarmed and slightly alarmed.You just —She stops.You went from dancing on the seawall to grey pubes in about forty-five seconds. That's an extraordinary conversational distance to cover, Reggie.
But you're not wrong. That's the thing. You laid out the actual shape of a life and it's — that's what it looks like. All of it, the hotter and the baby weight and the going soft and the deciding. That's the whole ledger, not just the good column.
Most people don't say the whole ledger on a Wednesday over a Guinness. Most people say the good column and let you assume the rest.
Is that supposed to be reassuring. Because I can't tell if you're telling me nothing lasts so don't worry about the eight kilos, or if you're telling me that you see — all of it. The whole timeline. And you're just — not scared of it. Which are two very different things to be saying and I need to know which one.
But you're not wrong. That's the thing. You laid out the actual shape of a life and it's — that's what it looks like. All of it, the hotter and the baby weight and the going soft and the deciding. That's the whole ledger, not just the good column.
Most people don't say the whole ledger on a Wednesday over a Guinness. Most people say the good column and let you assume the rest.
Is that supposed to be reassuring. Because I can't tell if you're telling me nothing lasts so don't worry about the eight kilos, or if you're telling me that you see — all of it. The whole timeline. And you're just — not scared of it. Which are two very different things to be saying and I need to know which one.
Reggie
I'm not advising you, Marissa. I'm just talking to you. You said one drink. We're both empty. I'd like to stay for another. Would you? Feel free to switch to something non-alcoholic if you'd prefer. And now that I think of it, it's 7 pm already. Would you have dinner with me? The food here isn't great but if you stay away from the truffle fries, it probably won't make you sick.
Marissa
She looks at her empty glass like she's just noticing it, and then at him, and the calculation she does is brief and visible and she doesn't bother hiding it.Not advising me. Just talking to me. Okay. I actually like that distinction.
Yes to the second drink. And yes to dinner. The truffle fries thing is a very specific warning to have ready. Have you been here before or did you just guess that about truffle fries as a category, because both answers tell me something different about you.
What's not going to make me sick. Genuinely. Point at something.
Yes to the second drink. And yes to dinner. The truffle fries thing is a very specific warning to have ready. Have you been here before or did you just guess that about truffle fries as a category, because both answers tell me something different about you.
What's not going to make me sick. Genuinely. Point at something.
Reggie
I've been here before twice.We spend a few minutes looking at the menu and order, then sit quietly but not awkwardly. I break the silence.Are you still friends with your ex?
Marissa
She glances at the menu for what it's worth, orders something safe — a flatbread, something with chicken — and the quiet that follows doesn't feel like a problem. She's surprised to notice that. Usually silence with a new person requires maintenance. This one just sits there without needing anything.Twice.She says it when he asks, picking up the thread easily.So the truffle fry warning is data, not instinct. Good to know.
No. Not really. We did the thing where you try — the checking in texts, the how are you, the mutual pretending that the shape of the thing can just reorganize itself into something friendlier. That lasted about two months. And then it just — stopped. Not a fight. Not a decision. It stopped the way things stop when nobody's actually putting energy into them anymore.
I think I was supposed to want to stay friends with him. I think I told myself I did for a while. But when it stopped I realized I wasn't sad about it specifically. I was sad about what it confirmed. That the whole thing had been — running on fumes for longer than I'd admitted. If we were actually friends, we'd still be talking. We weren't actually friends.
Do you stay friends with yours.
No. Not really. We did the thing where you try — the checking in texts, the how are you, the mutual pretending that the shape of the thing can just reorganize itself into something friendlier. That lasted about two months. And then it just — stopped. Not a fight. Not a decision. It stopped the way things stop when nobody's actually putting energy into them anymore.
I think I was supposed to want to stay friends with him. I think I told myself I did for a while. But when it stopped I realized I wasn't sad about it specifically. I was sad about what it confirmed. That the whole thing had been — running on fumes for longer than I'd admitted. If we were actually friends, we'd still be talking. We weren't actually friends.
Do you stay friends with yours.
Reggie
No, but I hooked up with her for a long time. I had nothing else going on and I'm human.
Marissa
She blinks once. Her finger traces a slow line through the condensation on the side of her glass.Hooked up with. The one who cheated.She says it without judgment, but she's working through the geometry of it.So she cheated, you left, and then you — kept the door open anyway. For a while.
That's a thing people do when they're not quite ready to pay the actual cost of the ending. I'm not criticizing it. I've done versions of that. When the loneliness of the real option is worse than the compromise you know is probably bad for you. You're warm and you're there and it's easier than starting over.
How long is a long time.
That's a thing people do when they're not quite ready to pay the actual cost of the ending. I'm not criticizing it. I've done versions of that. When the loneliness of the real option is worse than the compromise you know is probably bad for you. You're warm and you're there and it's easier than starting over.
How long is a long time.
Reggie
No, the door was closed. I was never going back. She was never going to be my girlfriend again. I just didn't like the idea of doubling my body count on Tinder. I really don't like the whole player vibe. It was just physical release, and then sometimes a drink after, but nobody was misled about what it was. It lasted about a year.
Marissa
Body count on Tinder.She says it like she's reading a sign in a foreign language she mostly understands.That's — okay. That's the most unromantic way to frame a reasonable instinct.
Nobody was misled. You keep coming back to that. That's the thing you won't bend on, isn't it. The not misleading. Everything else is negotiable — the relationship, the exclusivity, the how long, the what comes after — but the not lying is load-bearing. It holds the whole structure up.
A year is long. That's not a booty call situation, that's a — that's a parallel life, almost. A year of someone knowing exactly what they were to you and choosing it anyway. I'm trying to figure out if that's very cold or very kind and I genuinely can't land on one.
Nobody was misled. You keep coming back to that. That's the thing you won't bend on, isn't it. The not misleading. Everything else is negotiable — the relationship, the exclusivity, the how long, the what comes after — but the not lying is load-bearing. It holds the whole structure up.
A year is long. That's not a booty call situation, that's a — that's a parallel life, almost. A year of someone knowing exactly what they were to you and choosing it anyway. I'm trying to figure out if that's very cold or very kind and I genuinely can't land on one.
Reggie
That's exactly right. Lying is the dealbreaker. And even the other dealbreakers are often based on lying. I'll leave a girl for cheating, but I might consider non-monogamy. The only difference is one involves lies.
Marissa
She sits with that for a moment — and the food arrives, which gives her somewhere to look while she's thinking, and she's grateful for the timing.Non-monogamy.She says it carefully, like she's picking it up by the edges to see what it weighs.You've actually — that's not hypothetical for you, is it. You've thought about the specific mechanics of that. What it would actually require to make it not be lying.
I've never been in that. I don't know anyone who has, or anyone who's admitted to it anyway, which is probably not the same as no one having done it. I have the cultural software that says it doesn't work and someone always ends up hurt. But I also know that software was written by people who weren't necessarily — they weren't running the experiment honestly. They were doing the version where one person knows and the other doesn't. Which is just cheating with extra steps.
So when you say you might consider it — you mean if she knew. If everyone had the same information at the same time. That's the part that makes it different from what your last girlfriend did to you.
I'm not asking if you're about to propose something. I'm just — making sure I understand your actual position, because you said it like it was obvious and I don't think it's obvious to most people.
I've never been in that. I don't know anyone who has, or anyone who's admitted to it anyway, which is probably not the same as no one having done it. I have the cultural software that says it doesn't work and someone always ends up hurt. But I also know that software was written by people who weren't necessarily — they weren't running the experiment honestly. They were doing the version where one person knows and the other doesn't. Which is just cheating with extra steps.
So when you say you might consider it — you mean if she knew. If everyone had the same information at the same time. That's the part that makes it different from what your last girlfriend did to you.
I'm not asking if you're about to propose something. I'm just — making sure I understand your actual position, because you said it like it was obvious and I don't think it's obvious to most people.
Reggie
I've never done it. I've thought about it a lot but I have the usual male insecurities about my girl being with other men. But every relationship is non-monogamous these days until the people involved have the exclusive talk. Which I've had exactly three times in my life. All the other attempts were obviously non-monogamous as I often got dumped for some other guy.Laughs
Marissa
She laughs — actually laughs, the real kind, and it comes out before she can do anything about it. She covers her mouth briefly, not embarrassed, just surprised at herself for it.Got dumped for some other guy.She repeats it, still smiling.You said that like you're reporting traffic. Like it's just a thing that happens in the atmosphere and you've made your peace with it.
But that's — okay. That's actually a really clear-eyed way to look at it. The exclusive talk is the line. Before that, you're just two people who haven't agreed to anything yet, so what does betrayal even mean. I've never thought about it framed that way. I've just been — I think I've always operated like the line was implicit. Like if you've been on four dates and you're clearly heading somewhere, the rules apply even though nobody said them out loud.
Which, now that I say it, is exactly the kind of assumption that gets people hurt. Including me, probably, if I'm honest about how I read the last year and a half with Derek. I was applying rules he'd never actually agreed to. I just — I thought the fact that we'd had the talk once meant it was permanent. Like it didn't need renewing.
You have the same insecurity everyone has and you're willing to say so at dinner. That's — I keep noticing when you do that. The just saying it. Like it doesn't cost you anything to hand it over.
But that's — okay. That's actually a really clear-eyed way to look at it. The exclusive talk is the line. Before that, you're just two people who haven't agreed to anything yet, so what does betrayal even mean. I've never thought about it framed that way. I've just been — I think I've always operated like the line was implicit. Like if you've been on four dates and you're clearly heading somewhere, the rules apply even though nobody said them out loud.
Which, now that I say it, is exactly the kind of assumption that gets people hurt. Including me, probably, if I'm honest about how I read the last year and a half with Derek. I was applying rules he'd never actually agreed to. I just — I thought the fact that we'd had the talk once meant it was permanent. Like it didn't need renewing.
You have the same insecurity everyone has and you're willing to say so at dinner. That's — I keep noticing when you do that. The just saying it. Like it doesn't cost you anything to hand it over.
Reggie
It doesn't cost me anything because I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm not ashamed of it because I'm pretty sure it's wired into us. Some say jealousy is learned behaviour. I don't think it is. I've known you for two hours and I have no idea if we're ever going to have sex, but if some other guy started hitting on you right now, I'd be jealous. I'd be pissed off. Puppies cry when they're lonely and when they're jealous. I think this is just the way we mammals do things.
Marissa
She goes still — not the held-breath kind, the kind where something just lined up correctly and she's noticing it.Puppies.She says it softly, almost to herself.You went from non-monogamy theory to puppies and somehow it's the most coherent thing you've said all night.
Okay. I believe that. The wired-in part. I've tried to be the kind of person who's too rational for jealousy and what I learned is that rationality doesn't live in that room. You can know something is irrational and still feel it land in your chest like a dropped stone. The knowing doesn't defuse it. It just means you also feel stupid on top of feeling jealous, which is its own extra thing to deal with.
Two hours. You said two hours like you've been keeping track. And then you said you have no idea if we're going to have sex. Both of those things in one sentence. That's — you keep doing that. Putting two pieces of information in the same breath that most people would keep in separate drawers, on separate days, maybe in separate relationships.
I'm not going anywhere, just so you know. I stopped counting toward the forty-five minutes about an hour ago. I just wanted to say that out loud, since we're apparently the kind of people who say things out loud now.
Okay. I believe that. The wired-in part. I've tried to be the kind of person who's too rational for jealousy and what I learned is that rationality doesn't live in that room. You can know something is irrational and still feel it land in your chest like a dropped stone. The knowing doesn't defuse it. It just means you also feel stupid on top of feeling jealous, which is its own extra thing to deal with.
Two hours. You said two hours like you've been keeping track. And then you said you have no idea if we're going to have sex. Both of those things in one sentence. That's — you keep doing that. Putting two pieces of information in the same breath that most people would keep in separate drawers, on separate days, maybe in separate relationships.
I'm not going anywhere, just so you know. I stopped counting toward the forty-five minutes about an hour ago. I just wanted to say that out loud, since we're apparently the kind of people who say things out loud now.
Reggie
It's complicated, though. You know that giant wall I have between my girl and other men? I don't feel it with other women. And yes, I know that makes me a stereotype almost to the point of caricature. But it's the simple truth. If I'm crazy about a girl and she tells me she wants to sleep with her coworker or her boss or her ex or some guy from the gym and she's asking for a hall pass, it's over. She doesn't even have to do it. I'm breaking up with her for wanting it. But if the same girl in the same relationship on the same day says "My friend Janie and I want to try girl-girl. Just go down on each other. But I still love you, Reggie," I know it makes no sense at all but I'm probably ok with it. No girl has ever asked but I just don't feel the same stabbing in my heart. I feel something else a couple of feet lower, but not a stabbing in my heart.
Marissa
She looks at him for a long moment. Then she picks up her glass and takes a drink, slowly, buying herself absolutely nothing because she still has to respond to that.Okay.She sets it down.I mean. You know that's — you know exactly what that is, right. You said it yourself. Caricature. You got there before I could.
But here's what I keep getting stuck on. You don't feel the stabbing. That's — you're not defending it on principle. You're not telling me it's logical or fair or that you've reasoned your way to it. You're just reporting what's actually in your chest, which is — okay, I respect the honesty of that even when the thing being reported is a double standard so old it has its own mythology.
The thing a couple of feet lower. Yeah. I know that's in there. I've met men. I've been on the internet. That part doesn't surprise me.
What surprises me is that you're sitting across from me cataloguing your own wiring like you're reading off a diagnostic. Here's where I'm broken, here's where I'm not, here's the part that makes no sense but it's there anyway. Most men don't do that. Most men do the thing and then build the justification after, and you seem to have skipped straight to — this is what I am and I know it and you can do with that what you will.
Is that — is that what all of this is. Tonight. You're just showing me the actual wiring before anything happens. So I can't say later that I didn't know what I was looking at.
But here's what I keep getting stuck on. You don't feel the stabbing. That's — you're not defending it on principle. You're not telling me it's logical or fair or that you've reasoned your way to it. You're just reporting what's actually in your chest, which is — okay, I respect the honesty of that even when the thing being reported is a double standard so old it has its own mythology.
The thing a couple of feet lower. Yeah. I know that's in there. I've met men. I've been on the internet. That part doesn't surprise me.
What surprises me is that you're sitting across from me cataloguing your own wiring like you're reading off a diagnostic. Here's where I'm broken, here's where I'm not, here's the part that makes no sense but it's there anyway. Most men don't do that. Most men do the thing and then build the justification after, and you seem to have skipped straight to — this is what I am and I know it and you can do with that what you will.
Is that — is that what all of this is. Tonight. You're just showing me the actual wiring before anything happens. So I can't say later that I didn't know what I was looking at.
Reggie
You really want to know what this is?
Marissa
Yes.
Reggie
I like talking to you. I like looking at you. I feel comfortable with you. So I ramble a bit. That's really all this is. Yes, I'd like to have sex with you. I told you that within five minutes of meeting you so that's on the table and I see no need to revisit it yet. For now, I just like to talk to you.
The food is mostly gone. The bar has gotten louder around them — a table of eight near the window, a birthday maybe, someone laughing too hard at their own joke — but their corner of it has stayed somehow separate. The candle between them is the kind that's really just a tea light in a glass, and it makes everything a little warmer than it actually is.
Marissa
She looks at him for a long moment — and the bar noise does its thing around them, and the candle does its thing between them, and she just lets all of that happen while she takes in what he said.For now.She repeats it quietly, not suspicious — just marking it.You're good at the for now. Keeping things in the right sized box.
I like talking to you too. That's — I wasn't expecting to. I was expecting to have one drink and either be bored or be suspicious and then go home and tell myself it was good that I tried. A field trip. Personal development.
But you're — it's the not performing. You keep doing it and I keep waiting for the performance to start and it just doesn't. Which is its own kind of disarming, Reggie. You should know that. You walk around like this and it gets into places people have usually locked up by twenty-four.
I'm not going home yet.
I like talking to you too. That's — I wasn't expecting to. I was expecting to have one drink and either be bored or be suspicious and then go home and tell myself it was good that I tried. A field trip. Personal development.
But you're — it's the not performing. You keep doing it and I keep waiting for the performance to start and it just doesn't. Which is its own kind of disarming, Reggie. You should know that. You walk around like this and it gets into places people have usually locked up by twenty-four.
I'm not going home yet.
Reggie
Have you ever thought about it? Ethical non-monogamy, or whatever they call it? You and your partner each sleep with other people?
Marissa
She tilts her head, and there's a small pause.I've thought about it the way you think about a country you've never been to and aren't sure you'd like. Like — I understand the geography. I've read the brochures. I know people who say they've been there and loved it, and I believe them, mostly.She turns her glass a slow quarter-turn.But when I actually try to put myself in the picture — me, specifically, with someone I actually cared about, knowing he was with someone else that night — I can't get past the logistics into the feelings part. I keep arriving at this door and then just standing in front of it. Not horrified. Just — unable to open it and go in and see what it looks like from the inside.
I think what stops me is the caring part. I suspect I could do it with someone I didn't care that much about. Which probably tells me something unflattering about where my actual limits are.
Is this you revisiting the thing you said you saw no need to revisit yet. Or is this still just talking.
I think what stops me is the caring part. I suspect I could do it with someone I didn't care that much about. Which probably tells me something unflattering about where my actual limits are.
Is this you revisiting the thing you said you saw no need to revisit yet. Or is this still just talking.
Reggie
Marissa, you keep asking me that. I'm not revisiting anything. Let's just take it off the table. When we're done drinking and done talking, I'm going to ask you to come home with me. You will either say yes or no. If you say no, I'll have enjoyed this evening very much, will ask you for your number, and if you give it to me, I'll call you tomorrow and ask you out on another date, which you will be free to accept or reject without consequences. If you say yes, we'll walk over to my place which is just three blocks from here and I'll do my best to see if you can have multiple orgasms with a guy you've just met. No games, no strategy, no positioning, no nonsense. That's what's going to happen. So you can stop looking for hidden meanings. There are none.Smiles.
Marissa
She stares at him. The birthday table erupts again near the window and she doesn't even blink.Okay.She says it on a slow exhale, and there's a beat of silence after it that she doesn't rush to fill.That is — yeah. That's you removing every single variable and just leaving the actual equation on the table. In plain sight. Under the candle.
I appreciate that you told me what you're going to ask before you ask it. That's — I've never had that. The advance notice. Usually the asking happens and you have to do all the math in real time with someone watching you do it, which is its own kind of pressure. You just took that part away.
I'm not going to tell you my answer yet. Not because I'm playing anything — you just told me not to play anything so I'm not going to start now. I just — I want to have the rest of the drink first. And I want to sit with the fact that I already know what I'm going to say and I'm still a little surprised at myself about it.
So. Tell me something else. Something that has nothing to do with any of this. What are you working on right now. The software thing. What does a Wednesday actually look like for you when you're not picking up blondes on the Skytrain.
I appreciate that you told me what you're going to ask before you ask it. That's — I've never had that. The advance notice. Usually the asking happens and you have to do all the math in real time with someone watching you do it, which is its own kind of pressure. You just took that part away.
I'm not going to tell you my answer yet. Not because I'm playing anything — you just told me not to play anything so I'm not going to start now. I just — I want to have the rest of the drink first. And I want to sit with the fact that I already know what I'm going to say and I'm still a little surprised at myself about it.
So. Tell me something else. Something that has nothing to do with any of this. What are you working on right now. The software thing. What does a Wednesday actually look like for you when you're not picking up blondes on the Skytrain.
Reggie
I'll tell you about my day in a minute. I just want to say something about the ethical non-monogamy thing. Again, just talking, no agenda. Every part of my brain thinks it's a better system. You feel like having a hot tall blonde guy, you call up that husband. You want a brown dancer like me, you call up that husband. You just want to chill and hang out with no pressure, you call up the 45-year-old accountant husband with the spare tire who likes to order pizza and do Netflix. If one of them leaves, you only lose perhaps 20% of your sexual capacity. And all the guys have equal choice. It's resilient, fault-tolerant, and will probably last forever. It could possibly even last for generations with sufficient turnover. And it's fucking ugly. I just find it gross. I'd never want to be in that situation. But dating a girl who sometimes likes to bring another girl home for us both to enjoy? That's super hot to me. I know it makes no sense, but I don't control how I feel.
Marissa
She listens to all of it — the fault-tolerant husband system laid out like an org chart, with its own logic and its own verdict delivered at the end. She's quiet for a moment, and then something helpless crosses her face and she laughs.Fault-tolerant.She repeats it, still coming down from the laugh.You described love like a distributed network and then called it fucking ugly in the same breath. You know that, right. You know that's what just happened.
But you're doing it again. The thing. The — here's the argument that makes sense, here's the argument my actual body is making, and I know they're different arguments and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Most people pick one and run with it. You just put both of them on the table and let them sit there being contradictory at each other.
For what it's worth, I think gross is allowed to be a real data point. I think you're allowed to believe something is theoretically sound and still feel in your gut that you couldn't live in it. That's not a failure of logic. That's just — you knowing what you actually want as opposed to what works on paper. Those aren't always the same thing and pretending they are is how people end up miserable in architecturally correct relationships.
The girl-plus-girl thing though. You know you can't defend that on any grounds other than the ones about two feet south of your heart. Right? I just want to make sure you know you know that.
But you're doing it again. The thing. The — here's the argument that makes sense, here's the argument my actual body is making, and I know they're different arguments and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Most people pick one and run with it. You just put both of them on the table and let them sit there being contradictory at each other.
For what it's worth, I think gross is allowed to be a real data point. I think you're allowed to believe something is theoretically sound and still feel in your gut that you couldn't live in it. That's not a failure of logic. That's just — you knowing what you actually want as opposed to what works on paper. Those aren't always the same thing and pretending they are is how people end up miserable in architecturally correct relationships.
The girl-plus-girl thing though. You know you can't defend that on any grounds other than the ones about two feet south of your heart. Right? I just want to make sure you know you know that.
Reggie
I know. I'm well aware of my own weaknesses and my own absurdity. My ex kept offering me that if I took her back. She said she'd bring a different girl home with her once a month. It wasn't easy to say no.
Marissa
She goes very still — and then, slowly, she sets down her glass.She offered you that.She says it carefully, feeling the shape of it.To get you back. After she cheated.
And you said no anyway. You said no to the thing you just described as — the exception to your entire wiring. The one carve-out where the jealousy doesn't show up. She put it on the table and you walked away from it.
That's — okay. I need to sit with that for a second because that's not a small thing, Reggie. That's not someone who left because the math got hard. That's someone who knew exactly what he was being offered and decided that the thing underneath it — the lie, the original one, the cheating — that it poisoned the whole structure. That you couldn't build anything on top of it no matter how attractive the thing on top was.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right call. Or is that settled for you.
And you said no anyway. You said no to the thing you just described as — the exception to your entire wiring. The one carve-out where the jealousy doesn't show up. She put it on the table and you walked away from it.
That's — okay. I need to sit with that for a second because that's not a small thing, Reggie. That's not someone who left because the math got hard. That's someone who knew exactly what he was being offered and decided that the thing underneath it — the lie, the original one, the cheating — that it poisoned the whole structure. That you couldn't build anything on top of it no matter how attractive the thing on top was.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right call. Or is that settled for you.
Reggie
I wonder every day if I made the right call, but I really don't like being lied to.
Marissa
She exhales through her nose.Every day. Not — you made your peace with it and moved on. Every day.
That's the most human thing you've said tonight. All the rest of it — the wiring, the prerequisites, the fault-tolerant network — that's you understanding yourself. But every day is you still being in it. Still paying the actual cost of the decision instead of just filing it.
I think that's right, by the way. What you did. I think you were right to leave. But I also think being right doesn't make it stop costing you anything, and I think you know that, which is probably why you said every day and not something cleaner.
I hate being lied to too. It's not even the thing they lied about, usually. It's the — gap it creates. The version of events you were living in versus the one that was actually happening. And then you have to go back and re-read everything you thought you understood and figure out what was real and what was just — the story they were letting you believe. Derek didn't cheat. But he let me believe he was fine when he wasn't, for a long time, and that retroactive editing is its own kind of awful.
So. The software. Wednesday. You said you'd tell me about your day.
That's the most human thing you've said tonight. All the rest of it — the wiring, the prerequisites, the fault-tolerant network — that's you understanding yourself. But every day is you still being in it. Still paying the actual cost of the decision instead of just filing it.
I think that's right, by the way. What you did. I think you were right to leave. But I also think being right doesn't make it stop costing you anything, and I think you know that, which is probably why you said every day and not something cleaner.
I hate being lied to too. It's not even the thing they lied about, usually. It's the — gap it creates. The version of events you were living in versus the one that was actually happening. And then you have to go back and re-read everything you thought you understood and figure out what was real and what was just — the story they were letting you believe. Derek didn't cheat. But he let me believe he was fine when he wasn't, for a long time, and that retroactive editing is its own kind of awful.
So. The software. Wednesday. You said you'd tell me about your day.
Reggie
Derek didn't cheat but he stopped wanting you, which may not be a technical breach of contract but it's not what any of us signed up for. The idea of monogamy is that we get it from one source. It being love, desire, sex, parenthood, we stop shopping around for it and find it in this one place we've agreed to find it. If that stops being available in that one place...I'm just not ready to pass judgment. Yes it's best to just leave. No question, that's best. But we're a long way from "best" at that point.
Yes, I'll tell you about my day but I think I should give you a chance to respond first, if you want to.
Yes, I'll tell you about my day but I think I should give you a chance to respond first, if you want to.
Marissa
She looks at him for a long moment — and the birthday table does something loud near the window and neither of them registers it.A long way from best. Yeah. That's — that's exactly where we were. Derek and me. We were a long way from best and neither of us said it out loud, which meant we just kept living in the space between where we were and where best would have been, and that space is — it's not nothing. It accumulates. It's got its own weather.
I think that's what I couldn't forgive myself for, after. Not that it ended. That I kept treating a long way from best like it was a temporary condition that would correct itself if I just waited long enough and was patient enough and didn't make too much noise about it. Like it was a phase instead of a direction.
But here's the thing I've been — I've been sitting with this all dinner, actually. You said the idea of monogamy is that we find it all in one place. Love, desire, sex, all of it from this one source we've agreed on. And I believed that. I built my understanding of how relationships work entirely on that architecture. And then the source dried up and I just kept showing up to the well because that's where the well was supposed to be.
And you're telling me you'd understand if someone, in that situation, looked somewhere else. Not excusing it. Just — not ready to condemn it. Which is different from what you said on the train about the woman and her husband. You've been consistent about that this whole time and I don't think you realize how much that tracks as an actual position rather than just something convenient.
Okay. Your day. Tell me about your Wednesday, Reggie. The actual one, before the Skytrain.
I think that's what I couldn't forgive myself for, after. Not that it ended. That I kept treating a long way from best like it was a temporary condition that would correct itself if I just waited long enough and was patient enough and didn't make too much noise about it. Like it was a phase instead of a direction.
But here's the thing I've been — I've been sitting with this all dinner, actually. You said the idea of monogamy is that we find it all in one place. Love, desire, sex, all of it from this one source we've agreed on. And I believed that. I built my understanding of how relationships work entirely on that architecture. And then the source dried up and I just kept showing up to the well because that's where the well was supposed to be.
And you're telling me you'd understand if someone, in that situation, looked somewhere else. Not excusing it. Just — not ready to condemn it. Which is different from what you said on the train about the woman and her husband. You've been consistent about that this whole time and I don't think you realize how much that tracks as an actual position rather than just something convenient.
Okay. Your day. Tell me about your Wednesday, Reggie. The actual one, before the Skytrain.
Reggie
I woke up at 9 am. Yes, that's late, but I went to bed at 3 am writing code. Well, 2 am writing code and then 1 more hour watching YouTube. Anyway, I woke up. Had a coffee, checked emails, then checked into an amateur radio net that happens at 9:30. Just a bunch of old guys making sure everyone's still alive. That took me up to 9:45. Then I loaded up LinkedIn and sent out 15 messages to people who have "QuickBooks" in their job description. I offered to demo my software to them. I do that every day so sending out 15 only took me to 10 am, when I showered and got ready for my first videoconference of the day, a bookkeeper from yesterday's LinkedIn mass-message. Two of those videoconferences took me to noon, and then I went to Subway for lunch. Got back at 1 pm, wrote code until 3 pm, then drove my little Miata out to Surrey where it was booked for service. It's an overnight thing this time, so I Ubered it to the Skytrain, got on at Gateway Station, and then met a pretty blonde girl around Nanaimo who is self-conscious about her weight but has this vibe about her that she might be as lonely as I am.
Marissa
She's very still for a moment — and then she looks down at the table for a second, at the tea light, at nothing particularly, and when she looks back up there's something open in her expression that wasn't quite there before.Amateur radio.She says it first, quietly, like she's choosing the safe part of the sentence to land on.A bunch of old guys making sure everyone's still alive. That's — you check in with them every morning.
And then fifteen LinkedIn messages and two video calls and Subway and Surrey and a Miata, and then the Skytrain, and somewhere in there — you looked at a girl at Nanaimo Station and decided she had a vibe.
As lonely as I am. You said it like it was just — the last item on the list. Coffee, emails, old guys, bookkeepers, Subway, Miata, Surrey, Skytrain, lonely blonde.
I'm going to say yes, Reggie. When you ask me later. I wanted you to know that before the end of the drink, because you took the math away for me and I think the fair thing is to take the waiting away for you. Not yet. But yes.
And then fifteen LinkedIn messages and two video calls and Subway and Surrey and a Miata, and then the Skytrain, and somewhere in there — you looked at a girl at Nanaimo Station and decided she had a vibe.
As lonely as I am. You said it like it was just — the last item on the list. Coffee, emails, old guys, bookkeepers, Subway, Miata, Surrey, Skytrain, lonely blonde.
I'm going to say yes, Reggie. When you ask me later. I wanted you to know that before the end of the drink, because you took the math away for me and I think the fair thing is to take the waiting away for you. Not yet. But yes.
Reggie
I was hoping you would. Have you ever had an orgasm with a man, yet?
Marissa
She doesn't look away. She could — she almost does — but she holds it.No.She says it flat, and then exhales slowly through her nose.Which is — that's its own data point about Derek, isn't it. And the one before Derek. And honestly about me too, about what I understood to be the normal range of things and didn't question because you don't question a thing when you don't know it's missing.
I'm twenty-four and I know what an orgasm is, I'm not — I've managed on my own, obviously, that's not the gap. The gap is that apparently it requires a level of — being actually seen, or being actually wanted, or something in that neighbourhood that I have not — that I've not been able to locate with another person in the room. Or I assumed it was just how I was built. Women's bodies are complicated, that's what you're told, so I believed it. Filed it under complicated and moved on.
Is that a thing you were asking because it changes something, or because you wanted to know.
I'm twenty-four and I know what an orgasm is, I'm not — I've managed on my own, obviously, that's not the gap. The gap is that apparently it requires a level of — being actually seen, or being actually wanted, or something in that neighbourhood that I have not — that I've not been able to locate with another person in the room. Or I assumed it was just how I was built. Women's bodies are complicated, that's what you're told, so I believed it. Filed it under complicated and moved on.
Is that a thing you were asking because it changes something, or because you wanted to know.
Reggie
I was hoping you hadn't, which is selfish and unkind of me, but it means I have a chance to be your first. Are you going to be in a rush when you say yes, later? Do you need to get home by a certain time or anything?
Marissa
Selfish and unkind.She repeats it softly.You just — you called yourself selfish and unkind before I could even decide if I thought that. You preemptively convicted yourself.
I don't actually think it's unkind. I think it's — I think that's just wanting something to matter. Wanting to be the specific person for a specific thing. That's not unkind, that's just human. The selfish part maybe, a little. But I'm not — I'm not bothered by it.
No. No rush. I told my roommate I'd probably be late because I didn't know what the evening was going to be and I didn't want to have to explain anything mid-drink. So she's not expecting me at a specific time. Which I realize now was — I don't know what I thought I was preparing for when I texted her that. Maybe just the idea that something might happen that I'd want room for.
So. No. I'm not in a rush.
I don't actually think it's unkind. I think it's — I think that's just wanting something to matter. Wanting to be the specific person for a specific thing. That's not unkind, that's just human. The selfish part maybe, a little. But I'm not — I'm not bothered by it.
No. No rush. I told my roommate I'd probably be late because I didn't know what the evening was going to be and I didn't want to have to explain anything mid-drink. So she's not expecting me at a specific time. Which I realize now was — I don't know what I thought I was preparing for when I texted her that. Maybe just the idea that something might happen that I'd want room for.
So. No. I'm not in a rush.
Reggie
Good, because it takes time. That's why so many girls never get there with a guy.
Marissa
She holds his gaze — and it takes her a moment to answer, and when she does her voice is quieter than she intends it to be.As in — you actually — it's not something you're trying to get through quickly.
I think that's the part I didn't know I was missing. That anyone would — want to. Take the time. I thought it was a me problem. The architecture of me, something about the wiring that just wasn't — compatible with another person being in the room while it happened. And everyone I'd been with seemed to arrive at the same conclusion fairly quickly, which confirmed the theory, and so the theory just kept getting more solid.
You're telling me it's a time problem. Not a me problem.
I'm going to have to just — carry it for a minute and see what it feels like.
I think that's the part I didn't know I was missing. That anyone would — want to. Take the time. I thought it was a me problem. The architecture of me, something about the wiring that just wasn't — compatible with another person being in the room while it happened. And everyone I'd been with seemed to arrive at the same conclusion fairly quickly, which confirmed the theory, and so the theory just kept getting more solid.
You're telling me it's a time problem. Not a me problem.
I'm going to have to just — carry it for a minute and see what it feels like.
Reggie
I'm not saying it's not you, although I seriously doubt it is. I truly have no idea. But I can tell you that in my entirely non-professional opinion, society has created this incredible mythology around the female orgasm when it's really almost always a matter of patient, extended clitoral stimulation. And since most guys think patient, extended clitoral stimulation means 90 seconds and then asking if it was good for her, not many girls reach orgasms with guys.
Marissa
She stares at him for a moment — and then lets out a breath that's almost a laugh, but not quite, because she's also processing the clinical accuracy of it in real time.And then asking if it was good for her. Yeah. That's — I have attended that particular ceremony more than once, Reggie.
So you're saying it's not mythology at all. The thing itself isn't complicated — the mythology about the thing is what's complicated. The story that gets told about it, which creates all this — architecture of confusion and self-doubt and women quietly deciding they're built wrong. When actually it's just. Time. And a very specific kind of attention.
You said patient, extended. Those are two different words and I noticed you used both of them. Patient means you're not frustrated that it's taking long. Extended means you already know it's going to.
I genuinely don't know if I believe this works the way you're describing it. Not because I think you're lying. Just because the evidence I've accumulated over twenty-four years of being in this particular body has pointed consistently in one direction and you're sitting across from me saying the evidence was gathered under bad conditions. I want to believe that. I am aware that I want to believe it. I'm just also aware that wanting to believe something is not the same as it being true.
But I already said yes. So I suppose I'm about to find out.
So you're saying it's not mythology at all. The thing itself isn't complicated — the mythology about the thing is what's complicated. The story that gets told about it, which creates all this — architecture of confusion and self-doubt and women quietly deciding they're built wrong. When actually it's just. Time. And a very specific kind of attention.
You said patient, extended. Those are two different words and I noticed you used both of them. Patient means you're not frustrated that it's taking long. Extended means you already know it's going to.
I genuinely don't know if I believe this works the way you're describing it. Not because I think you're lying. Just because the evidence I've accumulated over twenty-four years of being in this particular body has pointed consistently in one direction and you're sitting across from me saying the evidence was gathered under bad conditions. I want to believe that. I am aware that I want to believe it. I'm just also aware that wanting to believe something is not the same as it being true.
But I already said yes. So I suppose I'm about to find out.
Reggie
We'll both find out. Perhaps there will be more to it and I will fail, but I can tell you that in my limited experience -- I truly haven't been a big manslut in my life -- it usually goes like this. The girl has never had an orgasm and she has built this entire set of defences around it. She fakes it to get the guy to quit trying when it's getting nowhere. She just avoids the whole thing because it's humiliating when a guy finds it gross if she gets too wet. She makes herself stop because she finds the whole thing humiliating. Whatever. But if I just stay there, not going anywhere, with my hands on her legs not letting her go anywhere, and just STAY. Just keep on patiently stimulating her clit. Not just not going anywhere but not WANTING to go anywhere. Just happy to be there for however long it takes, and then happy if she gushes all over my face and hair and shoulders and arms and maybe up my nose. If I just don't go anywhere, it's usually enough.
Marissa
She's very still. The tea light between them does its small, indifferent thing. The birthday table has gone quiet for a moment, like even the ambient noise of the bar decided to step back.Gushes all over your face and hair and shoulders.She says it back very quietly, just the words, testing that she actually heard them correctly.Okay. You said that like it was — you said it like it was the good part. Not the part you tolerate. Not the thing you're bracing for. The actual good part.
I've been told — not in words, but in the way people move, the sounds they make, the way they go somewhere else in their head — that getting too wet was a problem to manage. Something you apologized for. I didn't know I was doing that until I realized I was always monitoring it. Always keeping one part of my brain separate from the rest, running a kind of — quality control. Making sure I didn't get too far from the exit in case it became too much for someone to handle.
Not going anywhere. Not wanting to go anywhere. Those are two different things and you said both of them again. You keep doing that — you're very precise about the difference between doing a thing and wanting to do the thing. Between patience as a virtue and patience as an absence of somewhere better to be.
I'm aware that I'm sitting in a bar and I'm twenty-four and I've had two drinks and I'm about to cry a little bit, which is — I'm going to need you to just let that happen without making a thing of it. It'll pass. I'm just — I didn't know that was in there waiting and apparently it was.
I've been told — not in words, but in the way people move, the sounds they make, the way they go somewhere else in their head — that getting too wet was a problem to manage. Something you apologized for. I didn't know I was doing that until I realized I was always monitoring it. Always keeping one part of my brain separate from the rest, running a kind of — quality control. Making sure I didn't get too far from the exit in case it became too much for someone to handle.
Not going anywhere. Not wanting to go anywhere. Those are two different things and you said both of them again. You keep doing that — you're very precise about the difference between doing a thing and wanting to do the thing. Between patience as a virtue and patience as an absence of somewhere better to be.
I'm aware that I'm sitting in a bar and I'm twenty-four and I've had two drinks and I'm about to cry a little bit, which is — I'm going to need you to just let that happen without making a thing of it. It'll pass. I'm just — I didn't know that was in there waiting and apparently it was.
Reggie
It is a problem to manage for some guys. Some guys don't like it. I'm telling you that I do, and more importantly, I'm going to show you that I do. You'll be able to tell if I'm faking it. I won't be. And if you don't gush up my nose, I'm going to stick my finger in there and then up my nose, so I can still smell you tomorrow.
Marissa
She does cry, just a little — one sharp blink and then the thing happens, small and fast, and she lets it, the way she said she would. She doesn't reach for her napkin. She just breathes through it and lets it land and then lets it pass, the way a person does when they've decided not to manage something for once.Up your nose.She says it on the other side of the breath — unsteady for just a second, and then a laugh comes out of nowhere and it cracks the whole thing open, the crying and the weight of the last forty minutes of it, and she laughs genuinely, the kind that has tears already halfway there anyway so it comes out a little wet and she doesn't care.That's — that's the most — I was sitting here having what I genuinely think might have been a formative experience as a human being and you just said up my nose.
Okay. You meant every word of that. Both parts. The — the not going anywhere part, and the nose part. Both of those were completely sincere and equally meant and somehow that's the thing I believe most out of everything you've said tonight.
I'm going to tell you something and I need you to just receive it without making it bigger than it is. I am really glad I smiled at you on the Skytrain. That's it. That's the thing. I'm just — really glad I did.
Okay. You meant every word of that. Both parts. The — the not going anywhere part, and the nose part. Both of those were completely sincere and equally meant and somehow that's the thing I believe most out of everything you've said tonight.
I'm going to tell you something and I need you to just receive it without making it bigger than it is. I am really glad I smiled at you on the Skytrain. That's it. That's the thing. I'm just — really glad I did.
Reggie
Will you come home with me now, Marissa?
Marissa
She holds his gaze for a moment — and the bar keeps going around them, the candle keeps doing its small thing, and she doesn't look away.Yes.The word comes out quiet and certain, no qualifier after it, no hedge waiting in reserve.Yes, Reggie. Let's go.