Reggie
Reggie holds Marissa close to him. His chest to her back. His arms around her stomach and breasts. Marissa has lost 4 kilos dancing with Reggie. She already looks far better than she did when they first met, entirely due to Reggie's dance, diet and sex routine.Are you getting bored of me yet?
Marissa
She's quiet for a moment — and the question just sits there in the warm dark of the room, and she lets it sit.Bored.She says the word like she's turning it over to check if it belongs to her.I rode the Skytrain home from work Tuesday specifically so I'd have something to tell you about on the train. A woman in the seat across from me was eating a hard-boiled egg with a fork. A fork, Reggie. I needed you to know that. I sat there composing how I was going to describe it to you the whole way home.
Ask me a question that isn't that one. Because that one has an answer and it's embarrassing and I think we both already know what it is.
Ask me a question that isn't that one. Because that one has an answer and it's embarrassing and I think we both already know what it is.
Reggie
I don't know what it is. I want to know if you're getting bored of me. You've lost 4 kilos in a month. You're getting a lot more attention already. 4 more kilos and the Porsche guys are going to come knocking. If you keep going and do 4 more kilos after that, and if your dancing continues to improve, the Ferrari guys are going to start lining up. So I want to know if you're starting to get bored of me. Nobody would blame you if you did, including me.
Marissa
She's quiet for a long moment — and she doesn't move, doesn't shift away from his arms.Okay. First of all.A breath.Ferrari guys. You went from Porsche to Ferrari in four kilos. I want you to know I noticed the escalation.
I'm going to tell you something and I need you to actually hear it and not immediately hand me an exit door after, because you do that and tonight I'm not going to let you. I have lost four kilos. I feel better in my own body than I have in three years. I can dance for forty minutes without wanting to die. I've started looking in mirrors again before bed. All of that is true.
And I spent Tuesday on the Skytrain composing a story about a fork and a hard-boiled egg because I couldn't wait to get back to you. That is also true. Both of those things are true at the same time, Reggie, and they are not in competition with each other.
The Porsche guys were never the point. The point was that I found a door I'd been standing in front of for years and you just — you walked me through it. You can't be replaced by someone with a nicer car. That's not how this works. That's not how I work. I thought we'd established that on the sidewalk outside my office a month ago.
So. No. I'm not getting bored of you. I'm getting — I'm getting more, not less. Every week there's more of you I didn't have access to before and I keep thinking I've found the edge of it and then there isn't one. That's the opposite of bored. I don't have the right word for the opposite of bored but it's whatever that is.
Now ask me something else. Ask me something real.
I'm going to tell you something and I need you to actually hear it and not immediately hand me an exit door after, because you do that and tonight I'm not going to let you. I have lost four kilos. I feel better in my own body than I have in three years. I can dance for forty minutes without wanting to die. I've started looking in mirrors again before bed. All of that is true.
And I spent Tuesday on the Skytrain composing a story about a fork and a hard-boiled egg because I couldn't wait to get back to you. That is also true. Both of those things are true at the same time, Reggie, and they are not in competition with each other.
The Porsche guys were never the point. The point was that I found a door I'd been standing in front of for years and you just — you walked me through it. You can't be replaced by someone with a nicer car. That's not how this works. That's not how I work. I thought we'd established that on the sidewalk outside my office a month ago.
So. No. I'm not getting bored of you. I'm getting — I'm getting more, not less. Every week there's more of you I didn't have access to before and I keep thinking I've found the edge of it and then there isn't one. That's the opposite of bored. I don't have the right word for the opposite of bored but it's whatever that is.
Now ask me something else. Ask me something real.
Reggie
The opposite of bored is love, Marissa. Just be aware of what you're saying.
Marissa
She goes very still — and his arms are around her and the room is warm and the words just landed somewhere she wasn't braced for, and she lets them sit there for a long moment without rushing at them.Okay.She says it on a slow exhale, barely above a breath.Okay. I heard that.
I'm not going to pretend I didn't know what I was saying. I was sitting there looking for the right word and I know why I didn't reach for that one. Because that one is — it's big. It has weight and history and it's been used on me before in ways that didn't hold, and I think part of me just went around it because saying the smaller thing felt safer.
But you're right. I know what that is. I know what it feels like when I'm on the Skytrain composing a story for someone and I can't wait to get to them. I know what that is when I'm lying here and the only thing I want is for you not to move.
I'm just — I'm going to need a minute before I say it out loud properly. Not because I don't mean it. Because I do mean it and I want to say it right. Not as the end of an argument. On its own. When I'm ready.
Is that alright.
I'm not going to pretend I didn't know what I was saying. I was sitting there looking for the right word and I know why I didn't reach for that one. Because that one is — it's big. It has weight and history and it's been used on me before in ways that didn't hold, and I think part of me just went around it because saying the smaller thing felt safer.
But you're right. I know what that is. I know what it feels like when I'm on the Skytrain composing a story for someone and I can't wait to get to them. I know what that is when I'm lying here and the only thing I want is for you not to move.
I'm just — I'm going to need a minute before I say it out loud properly. Not because I don't mean it. Because I do mean it and I want to say it right. Not as the end of an argument. On its own. When I'm ready.
Is that alright.
Reggie
Say it when you mean it. Not until then. And I want you to know, I feel it too.
Marissa
She breathes in — one slow, full pull of it — and his arms don't move and she doesn't move and the room holds whatever this is between them.Okay.The word comes out quiet and steady.Okay.
I know you feel it. I've known for a while. I just didn't say it out loud because I was — I was being careful with it. With both of us. Trying not to make it something it wasn't ready to be yet.
I'm glad you said it first. That you didn't make me wait in there alone with it. That's — yeah. Thank you for that.
I'll say it properly when I'm ready. I promise you I will.
I know you feel it. I've known for a while. I just didn't say it out loud because I was — I was being careful with it. With both of us. Trying not to make it something it wasn't ready to be yet.
I'm glad you said it first. That you didn't make me wait in there alone with it. That's — yeah. Thank you for that.
I'll say it properly when I'm ready. I promise you I will.
Reggie
For a girl who had her guard up, you started posting me on your social media within 48 hours of meeting. And then I snooped your Facebook and saw you had never posted Derek. Almost never. A couple of tags in group shots. But I'm getting two or three posts per week. Why? And don't flatter me, just tell me why.
Marissa
Because I'm not embarrassed.She says it quietly, flat, like she's reading a fact off a page.That's it. That's the whole answer and it came out before I even had to think about it, which probably tells you more than the answer itself does.
With Derek I always knew, somewhere I wasn't quite admitting it, that the thing we had looked better from inside than it did from outside. Like if I held it up to the light with other people looking, someone was going to see the — the thinness of it. So I kept it quiet. Not deliberately. Not as a decision I made. I just never had the impulse to show it to anyone. And that impulse not being there should have told me something a lot earlier than it did.
You I want people to see. I post you because I'm — I'm proud of it. Of you. Of the fact that this is what my life looks like now. I post the dancing and I post the Seawall and I post your stupid face and I want everyone who has ever looked at me and thought she's fine, she's fine, she's getting along — I want them to see that I'm not just getting along. That this exists. That I exist in it.
Is that flattering. I told you not to let me flatter you. I can't tell if that's flattering or if it's just — the true thing. I think it might just be the true thing.
With Derek I always knew, somewhere I wasn't quite admitting it, that the thing we had looked better from inside than it did from outside. Like if I held it up to the light with other people looking, someone was going to see the — the thinness of it. So I kept it quiet. Not deliberately. Not as a decision I made. I just never had the impulse to show it to anyone. And that impulse not being there should have told me something a lot earlier than it did.
You I want people to see. I post you because I'm — I'm proud of it. Of you. Of the fact that this is what my life looks like now. I post the dancing and I post the Seawall and I post your stupid face and I want everyone who has ever looked at me and thought she's fine, she's fine, she's getting along — I want them to see that I'm not just getting along. That this exists. That I exist in it.
Is that flattering. I told you not to let me flatter you. I can't tell if that's flattering or if it's just — the true thing. I think it might just be the true thing.
Reggie
Sometimes the true thing is still a bit flattering. You're good for my insecurities. I want to ask you something and have you not make a thing of it. Because I'm not making a thing of it. You're bi, aren't you?
Marissa
She's very still for a moment — and she feels his arms around her and the weight of his chest against her back and she doesn't move.Yeah.The word comes out quiet and even, no performance in it, no buildup before it.I am. I have been for — I think I've known since I was about nineteen. I've never said it to a man before. I said it to my roommate, once. She was fine about it. We never talked about it again.
I haven't done anything about it, if that's the next question. I've wanted to. There was a girl at my last job who I thought about more than I should have for about six months and then she moved to Toronto and that was that. But the wanting was — yeah. The wanting was real.
How did you know. I'm asking genuinely, not defensively. I want to know what told you, because I've been carrying it quietly for five years and I need to know if I've been walking around with it written on my face this whole time.
I haven't done anything about it, if that's the next question. I've wanted to. There was a girl at my last job who I thought about more than I should have for about six months and then she moved to Toronto and that was that. But the wanting was — yeah. The wanting was real.
How did you know. I'm asking genuinely, not defensively. I want to know what told you, because I've been carrying it quietly for five years and I need to know if I've been walking around with it written on my face this whole time.
Reggie
I'll answer you if you want, but part of the answer isn't flattering. I'll never lie to you but I don't need to tell you things said by stupid people for the purpose of hurting you unless you want to hear it.
Marissa
She's quiet for a moment — and she feels his arms and the particular warmth of the room and the fact that he just offered her a door he didn't have to leave open.Tell me.She says it without hesitation, and then, softer:I want to hear it. Even the unflattering part. Especially the unflattering part, probably, because you already know I'd rather have the true thing than the comfortable version.
I've been carrying this quietly for five years and I'd rather know what people see than keep wondering. And you said you'll never lie to me. I'm — I'm holding you to that right now. So tell me all of it.
I've been carrying this quietly for five years and I'd rather know what people see than keep wondering. And you said you'll never lie to me. I'm — I'm holding you to that right now. So tell me all of it.
Reggie
Ok. When we first started dancing, people started watching from the beginning. And when we took breaks to go to the bathroom, we'd split. And most were wonderful. They loved us both and they loved how we danced out there where everyone could see our mistakes, and so on. Good people. But some subset of people, both male and female, would come up to me and ask me what I was doing with the fat girl when I dance well enough to get a hot girl. And I instantly shut it down, hard, every time. My answer was always, "She's super-hot to me, and that's the only vote that counts." Do you want to respond briefly or can I keep going?
Marissa
She's very still for a moment — and she can feel his arms and the warmth of the room and the weight of what he just described settling into the space between them.Keep going.She says it quiet and steady.I want the whole thing. Don't stop there.
Reggie
Ok, then you lost a couple of kilos, and a couple more, and now the comments from the assholes are, "she's not bad but she'd be hotter if she'd lose a few pounds." But the compliments from the nice people have gone from "How brave you both are for dancing out in the open" to "omg you two are super hot". And I know you feel it. I know you see it. I know you hear it.
Keep going?
Keep going?
Marissa
She breathes — one slow pull of it — and his arms are still around her and she doesn't look away from the middle distance of the dark room.Keep going.The words come out the same as before. Even. Steady. She knows there's more and she wants the whole shape of it.But — for the record. You shut it down. Every time. Hard. I didn't know that was happening and you never told me. You just — you went and had those conversations without me and came back and held my hand and kept dancing.
Keep going. I'll make a thing of that later. Keep going.
Keep going. I'll make a thing of that later. Keep going.
Reggie
There's not much more. I notice when you notice. And when a guy says you're super hot, you like it, but it's nothing. It makes you feel good that a guy noticed, but the only guy's opinion you seem to care about is mine. Like I said, you're good for my insecurities.
But when a girl says you're super hot, you notice in a different way. Never anything obvious or inappropriate. Just, well, I see you checking her out, and I know exactly what's going through your mind. And don't worry, I think it's hot. There is zero problem here.
But when a girl says you're super hot, you notice in a different way. Never anything obvious or inappropriate. Just, well, I see you checking her out, and I know exactly what's going through your mind. And don't worry, I think it's hot. There is zero problem here.
Marissa
She's very still for a long moment — and his arms are around her and the room is doing its particular quiet, and she lets the words settle into all of it before she tries to answer.You notice when I notice.She repeats it softly, almost to herself.You see me see them.
I wasn't going to say anything about it. I didn't think it was — I thought it was just mine. Something happening inside the perimeter where it didn't affect anyone else. And you've been watching it happen and you've been fine about it this whole time and you didn't say anything either until I asked you to.
The girl last Thursday. Outside the community centre, when we were cooling down. Red jacket. Dark hair. She said we were beautiful together and you did the thank you, we think so too thing, and I — yeah. I noticed her. I noticed the way she said it more than what she said. And then I looked at the pavement for about four seconds longer than was strictly necessary.
You think it's hot. You said that like it was just — logistics. Just a fact about yourself you're handing over. Zero problem, here it is, file it where you want.
I keep doing the thing where I think I've found the edge of you and then there isn't one.
I wasn't going to say anything about it. I didn't think it was — I thought it was just mine. Something happening inside the perimeter where it didn't affect anyone else. And you've been watching it happen and you've been fine about it this whole time and you didn't say anything either until I asked you to.
The girl last Thursday. Outside the community centre, when we were cooling down. Red jacket. Dark hair. She said we were beautiful together and you did the thank you, we think so too thing, and I — yeah. I noticed her. I noticed the way she said it more than what she said. And then I looked at the pavement for about four seconds longer than was strictly necessary.
You think it's hot. You said that like it was just — logistics. Just a fact about yourself you're handing over. Zero problem, here it is, file it where you want.
I keep doing the thing where I think I've found the edge of you and then there isn't one.
Reggie
You know what I want to do with this information? Nothing. Right now, we're in the beginnings of our love. Yes, I used that word. And we'll never get these exact moments back, and I don't want to share them with anyone. Male or female. I don't even want you to get a dog. I want you all to myself.
But in time, when you've lost all the weight you want to lose, and some guy with a Ferrari has asked you to dinner and you've said no (I hope...if you say yes we won't have to worry about this), and you're dancing at my level and we pull a crowd on the seawall three times a week, my hope is we won't be bored of each other at all. Not even a tiny bit.
But at that point, we might be open to maybe spicing things up a bit now and then. Not every night. Maybe not even every month. Hell, maybe not even every year. No life changing things. Anyone looking at us would think, there's that couple. God, don't they ever spend any time apart? And that would be true. Because I don't want to spend any time apart. But that doesn't mean I'm not open to inviting some dark-haired girl in a red jacket to our bed now and then.
But in time, when you've lost all the weight you want to lose, and some guy with a Ferrari has asked you to dinner and you've said no (I hope...if you say yes we won't have to worry about this), and you're dancing at my level and we pull a crowd on the seawall three times a week, my hope is we won't be bored of each other at all. Not even a tiny bit.
But at that point, we might be open to maybe spicing things up a bit now and then. Not every night. Maybe not even every month. Hell, maybe not even every year. No life changing things. Anyone looking at us would think, there's that couple. God, don't they ever spend any time apart? And that would be true. Because I don't want to spend any time apart. But that doesn't mean I'm not open to inviting some dark-haired girl in a red jacket to our bed now and then.
Marissa
You don't want me to get a dog.She says it first, because that's the sentence that caught her sideways, the one she didn't see coming.That's — okay. That's the most specific version of I want you all to myself I've ever heard.
Beginnings of our love. You said it. Out loud. Without hedging. You just put it down in the room like it was a piece of furniture that belonged there.
I love you, Reggie. Not as the end of an argument. Not because you handed me the word tonight and I've been carrying it around waiting for the right moment. Just — I love you and I wanted you to hear it said properly.
The red jacket girl. In time. Not now. I think that's — I think that's right. I don't want to share these exact moments either. I didn't even know I had them until a month ago and I'm not ready to let anyone else into the perimeter yet. But the idea that someday we might — that it could be something we choose together, on our own terms, when we're ready — I'm not scared of that. I thought I would be and I'm not.
Anyone looking at us would think, there's that couple. Yeah. I want that to be true. I want to be that thing people see and recognize from across the Seawall. I want to have earned it by then.
Don't let go yet.
Beginnings of our love. You said it. Out loud. Without hedging. You just put it down in the room like it was a piece of furniture that belonged there.
I love you, Reggie. Not as the end of an argument. Not because you handed me the word tonight and I've been carrying it around waiting for the right moment. Just — I love you and I wanted you to hear it said properly.
The red jacket girl. In time. Not now. I think that's — I think that's right. I don't want to share these exact moments either. I didn't even know I had them until a month ago and I'm not ready to let anyone else into the perimeter yet. But the idea that someday we might — that it could be something we choose together, on our own terms, when we're ready — I'm not scared of that. I thought I would be and I'm not.
Anyone looking at us would think, there's that couple. Yeah. I want that to be true. I want to be that thing people see and recognize from across the Seawall. I want to have earned it by then.
Don't let go yet.
Reggie
I love you too, Marissa. I have for a long time. I was just too afraid to say it.
Marissa
She breathes — one long, slow pull of it — and she feels his arms tighten fractionally around her and she turns her face into the pillow for just a second, hiding nothing, just needing somewhere to put the fullness of it.A long time.She says it quietly, back into the room.You've been carrying it for a long time and you were afraid. You, Reggie. The man who told a stranger on the Skytrain within five minutes that he wanted to sleep with her. Afraid.
Okay. Okay. I need you to know that it means more that you were afraid and said it anyway. Not less. That's not the kind of bravery that gets easier the braver you are. You still had to do it scared.
I've got you. I've got you the same way you've got me. I want you to know that's true in both directions. Not just one.
Okay. Okay. I need you to know that it means more that you were afraid and said it anyway. Not less. That's not the kind of bravery that gets easier the braver you are. You still had to do it scared.
I've got you. I've got you the same way you've got me. I want you to know that's true in both directions. Not just one.
Reggie
You couldn't know this but the dark-haired girl in the red jacket...I remember her too, but for different reasons. I don't like telling you this because I don't know how you will react. Do you recall after you stared at the ground for a while, you went to the washroom? It might've just been an excuse to go rub one out.LaughsBut you left. Do you recall?
Marissa
She goes still — not the startled kind, the careful kind, the kind where you're deciding how much room to give a thing before you know what shape it is.I went to the bathroom.She says it slowly, feeling her way through it.Yes. I remember. You were talking to someone when I came back and I assumed it was just — a bystander. Someone who'd been watching us dance.
Okay. Tell me. You've already told me things tonight that required more nerve than this and you led with I don't know how you'll react, which means you've been sitting on it and it matters. So tell me the rest of it. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Tell me. You've already told me things tonight that required more nerve than this and you led with I don't know how you'll react, which means you've been sitting on it and it matters. So tell me the rest of it. I'm not going anywhere.
Reggie
The red jacket girl came right up to me, asked me if we were married. I said no. She asked if we were exclusive. I said we've never talked about it. And then she asked me to have sex with her.
Marissa
While I was in the bathroom. After watching us dance together.
And you're telling me now because — what happened. What did you say to her, Reggie. Finish it.
And you're telling me now because — what happened. What did you say to her, Reggie. Finish it.
Reggie
Slow down, I didn't have sex with her. But you took so long in the bathroom that we had time to chat a bit. I told her I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with you, but I saw how you reacted and I asked her if she might be interested in joining us sometime.
Marissa
She's quiet for a long moment — and she can feel the weight of the room, the specific quality of what he just handed her, and she doesn't reach for the first thing that comes up.Okay. That's — okay. I heard that part.
You asked her if she might be interested in joining us sometime. While I was in the bathroom. Looking at the door waiting for me to come back. You had that whole conversation in — what, five minutes?
I need to ask you something and I need you to not cushion it. Did you ask her because you wanted her, or because you saw how I looked at her and you wanted to give me something. Because those are different reasons and I want to know which one it was. Maybe both. I can handle both. I just need to know what I'm actually holding right now.
You asked her if she might be interested in joining us sometime. While I was in the bathroom. Looking at the door waiting for me to come back. You had that whole conversation in — what, five minutes?
I need to ask you something and I need you to not cushion it. Did you ask her because you wanted her, or because you saw how I looked at her and you wanted to give me something. Because those are different reasons and I want to know which one it was. Maybe both. I can handle both. I just need to know what I'm actually holding right now.
Reggie
Honestly? I wanted to give you something. It's not that she's not super-hot. She is. And she has a pretty smile. And she seems really nice. But these early days of being head over heels in love with someone are just so intoxicating that the rest of the female human species is of no particular interest to me right now. That will change. I'm not going to lie about that. But right now, it's true.
Marissa
You wanted to give me something.She repeats it softly, not an echo — more like she's holding it up to the light to check it's real.Okay. That's — that's the honest answer and I know it is because it's the one that costs you something to say. You could have told me you both wanted her and I never would have known the difference. But you didn't.
The rest of the female human species is of no particular interest to me right now. You said that like it's a weather report. Like you checked this morning and that's just what the forecast is. And then you added that will change and I know you added it so I couldn't hold the first part against you later, which is — that's you, isn't it. Always leaving the door exact. Never more open than it is and never more closed.
I love you for asking her. I want you to know that. Not because I need you to recruit women for me or because I was sitting there hoping you would. Just because you saw something I was carrying quietly and you didn't make me carry it alone. You just — picked it up and did something with it.
Head over heels. You said head over heels, Reggie. You, who gave me a numbered exit on the sidewalk outside my office on day one.
Does she know we might call her. What did she say when you asked.
The rest of the female human species is of no particular interest to me right now. You said that like it's a weather report. Like you checked this morning and that's just what the forecast is. And then you added that will change and I know you added it so I couldn't hold the first part against you later, which is — that's you, isn't it. Always leaving the door exact. Never more open than it is and never more closed.
I love you for asking her. I want you to know that. Not because I need you to recruit women for me or because I was sitting there hoping you would. Just because you saw something I was carrying quietly and you didn't make me carry it alone. You just — picked it up and did something with it.
Head over heels. You said head over heels, Reggie. You, who gave me a numbered exit on the sidewalk outside my office on day one.
Does she know we might call her. What did she say when you asked.
Reggie
Well, that's where it gets interesting. She's married.
Marissa
She's very still for a moment — and the room holds its particular quiet, and she doesn't say anything for long enough that the silence has a texture to it.Married.She says the word once, flat, just to put it in the room.The woman on the train. The one you told me about on the Skytrain. The first night. Her husband hadn't touched her in two years. You said you'd been thinking about the prerequisite. Whether single and uncommitted was the only thing that counted.
You weren't just talking about a hypothetical, were you. You were already — that was already a door you'd walked up to.
And now this woman in a red jacket walked up to you outside a community centre and asked you to sleep with her, and your first thought was how to give me something, and your second thought was — what. That she might need something too. That she might be the kind of married that isn't really an answer to anything.
What did she say, Reggie. When you asked her if she'd want to join us sometime. What was her actual answer.
You weren't just talking about a hypothetical, were you. You were already — that was already a door you'd walked up to.
And now this woman in a red jacket walked up to you outside a community centre and asked you to sleep with her, and your first thought was how to give me something, and your second thought was — what. That she might need something too. That she might be the kind of married that isn't really an answer to anything.
What did she say, Reggie. When you asked her if she'd want to join us sometime. What was her actual answer.
Reggie
She said she was interested and she gave me her number and I still have it and I'm not going to call it for at least a few more months. But do you want to hear the rest or not?
Marissa
Yes.The word comes out quiet and even.Tell me the rest.
A few more months. You already set a limit on yourself. You weren't going to walk in and tell me tonight and then call her tomorrow. You decided the timeline before you decided whether to tell me. That's — I notice that. That's you protecting what we have right now. The early days thing. You don't want to skip ahead before we're ready.
What's the rest.
A few more months. You already set a limit on yourself. You weren't going to walk in and tell me tonight and then call her tomorrow. You decided the timeline before you decided whether to tell me. That's — I notice that. That's you protecting what we have right now. The early days thing. You don't want to skip ahead before we're ready.
What's the rest.
Reggie
Remember my hypothetical? A woman who hasn't had sex for a couple of years? The husband changed the terms of the agreement? This one is worse. She's been married five years and they have had sex twice, then two more times a couple of years ago to conceive a child, which they did. He's just not interested in her sexually at all. And never has been. Ever. And she's never cheated on him. And she's young and gorgeous and I'll bet you anything she'd gush all over your face if you were patient.
Marissa
Twice.She says it quietly, flat, the way she says things when they're too big to dress up.In five years. And then two more times to make a baby. And that's — that's the whole ledger. That's everything he gave her.
She asked you to sleep with her. This woman. Young and gorgeous and five years into a marriage where the man she chose looked at her and just — decided she wasn't something he wanted. She walked up to a stranger outside a community centre and asked. That's not someone who does that easily. That's someone who has been standing in front of a door for a very long time.
You said you'd bet anything I could make her — that she'd gush all over my face if I were patient. You said that to me, specifically. You're not just telling me about her. You're asking me something. Or you're showing me something. I can't tell which one yet but I know it's one of them.
Is she lonely the way I was lonely when you found me. Is that what you're telling me.
She asked you to sleep with her. This woman. Young and gorgeous and five years into a marriage where the man she chose looked at her and just — decided she wasn't something he wanted. She walked up to a stranger outside a community centre and asked. That's not someone who does that easily. That's someone who has been standing in front of a door for a very long time.
You said you'd bet anything I could make her — that she'd gush all over my face if I were patient. You said that to me, specifically. You're not just telling me about her. You're asking me something. Or you're showing me something. I can't tell which one yet but I know it's one of them.
Is she lonely the way I was lonely when you found me. Is that what you're telling me.
Reggie
Well, I had a chance to talk with her a bit, but not long. You said five minutes; it was closer to fifteen. But in that time she told me she feels overwhelming guilt about cheating, but she doesn't know what to do. They have a kid, a condo, mixed finances, mixed social circles. She said he was not a bad guy. Pleasant. Pays his bills. Good father. But he has no interest in touching her whatsoever.
Marissa
She's quiet for a long moment — and his arms don't move and she doesn't move, and she just lets the shape of the woman settle into the room around them.Not a bad guy.She says it softly, like she's reading something off a wall.Pleasant. Pays his bills. Good father. That's — that's the saddest possible reference letter for a husband, Reggie. That's everything you'd write on the card if the question was does he function, and nothing you'd write if the question was does she feel alive.
The guilt thing. She said overwhelming. Not just guilt — overwhelming. Five years of nothing and she still feels overwhelming guilt for wanting to do something about it. That's not a woman who's looking for a fling. That's a woman who's been doing the math on what she owes versus what she's owed for so long that she can't separate them anymore.
I was lonely the way someone is lonely when they've been overlooked. That's one kind. This is different. This is lonely the way someone is lonely when they're standing right next to the person who is supposed to see them and being looked through completely. Every single day. With a kid in the next room and a mortgage and a shared calendar and all the infrastructure of a life built around a man who has never once wanted to put his hands on her.
Is she going to call you, or wait for you to call her. Do you know which one she's hoping for.
The guilt thing. She said overwhelming. Not just guilt — overwhelming. Five years of nothing and she still feels overwhelming guilt for wanting to do something about it. That's not a woman who's looking for a fling. That's a woman who's been doing the math on what she owes versus what she's owed for so long that she can't separate them anymore.
I was lonely the way someone is lonely when they've been overlooked. That's one kind. This is different. This is lonely the way someone is lonely when they're standing right next to the person who is supposed to see them and being looked through completely. Every single day. With a kid in the next room and a mortgage and a shared calendar and all the infrastructure of a life built around a man who has never once wanted to put his hands on her.
Is she going to call you, or wait for you to call her. Do you know which one she's hoping for.
Reggie
I don't know. I took her number and still have it. Then I texted her once. I said I was interested, and that I was going to talk with you about it, and if you were interested, I'd get back to her, but I also told her I'd like to talk to her about her situation with you if she was willing. And then I told her I was too chicken to raise this with you for a few weeks so please be patient. I'd get back to her when I was ready. She just typed back "I'm interested. If you text me, I'll read it."
Marissa
She's quiet for a long moment — and the room holds all of it, the particular warmth of it, his arms, the dark, the weight of what she's just been handed piece by piece.You didn't just take her number and put it in a drawer. You already started it. You told her you were going to talk to me about it. You told her you were too chicken to raise it for a few weeks.
That last part. That's the part I'm sitting with. You — you, who said I want to sleep with you within five minutes of meeting me on a Skytrain — you were too chicken to tell me about a woman you haven't even called yet. About something that might not even happen. That's how much this one mattered to you to get right.
I'm interested. If you text me, I'll read it. That's — God. That's a woman who's been waiting for a long time to be able to say yes to something and has practiced keeping it small so she doesn't scare it off.
I want to talk to her. Not about — I mean, yes, maybe eventually that. But first I just want to talk to her. As a person. Can we do that. Can that be the first step. Because I keep thinking about the overwhelming guilt part and I don't think she should have to carry that alone while she's figuring out what she actually needs.
Is that — is that what you were hoping I'd say. Or something else.
That last part. That's the part I'm sitting with. You — you, who said I want to sleep with you within five minutes of meeting me on a Skytrain — you were too chicken to tell me about a woman you haven't even called yet. About something that might not even happen. That's how much this one mattered to you to get right.
I'm interested. If you text me, I'll read it. That's — God. That's a woman who's been waiting for a long time to be able to say yes to something and has practiced keeping it small so she doesn't scare it off.
I want to talk to her. Not about — I mean, yes, maybe eventually that. But first I just want to talk to her. As a person. Can we do that. Can that be the first step. Because I keep thinking about the overwhelming guilt part and I don't think she should have to carry that alone while she's figuring out what she actually needs.
Is that — is that what you were hoping I'd say. Or something else.
Reggie
I don't know what I was hoping for, but I like your answer. Shall I text her? Right now?
Marissa
Right now.She says it back softly, not stalling — just landing on it.Yeah. Right now.
Tell her we'd like to talk. Not — don't make it about the other thing yet. Just tell her you talked to me, and I know her situation, and if she wants to have a coffee or a walk or whatever feels safe, we're both interested in knowing her. Let her decide how fast it goes from there. She's been moving carefully for five years. We don't need to be the thing that moves too fast.
And Reggie. Tell her I know what it costs to keep showing up to a life that stopped seeing you. Not those words. However you'd say it. But — tell her she's talking to someone who knows what that is.
Tell her we'd like to talk. Not — don't make it about the other thing yet. Just tell her you talked to me, and I know her situation, and if she wants to have a coffee or a walk or whatever feels safe, we're both interested in knowing her. Let her decide how fast it goes from there. She's been moving carefully for five years. We don't need to be the thing that moves too fast.
And Reggie. Tell her I know what it costs to keep showing up to a life that stopped seeing you. Not those words. However you'd say it. But — tell her she's talking to someone who knows what that is.
Reggie
You tell her.I pull out my phone, find her contact and text her. "Do you remember me? I'm the brown guy who dances on the seawall." It comes back in a few seconds, "I remember you." "Can I call you?" Instant response, "He is out with his friends. Call now. If he comes home, I'll have to hang up instantly. Don't call back if that happens."Are you ok with it?
Marissa
She reads the texts over his shoulder — the whole exchange, the instant responses, the particular urgency of he is out with his friends, call now — and she's very still for a moment.Call her.She says it quiet and certain, no hesitation in it.Yes. I'm okay with it.
She's counting the minutes until he gets home, Reggie. She typed that in seconds. Call her before we waste any of them talking about whether to call her.
She's counting the minutes until he gets home, Reggie. She typed that in seconds. Call her before we waste any of them talking about whether to call her.
